Oh Christmas Tree...Longer than a blog post, shorter than a novel

I am sitting up here in my office overlooking the living room where my Christmas tree is glowing softly and adding a sense of warmth to the room that is begging me to come down and curl up on the sofa with. Soft hues of gold and white and the tree’s own reflection in the living room window challenging the tree itself for the honors of being found simple, yet beautiful.

What I noticed in the reflection is that there are no details. Just muted light, softened by the glow of the tiny white lights and the clear glass bulbs and frosted gold bulbs and maybe, if you look really hard, you can make out some of the cherubs tucked into the branches. The reflections isn't quite as bright as the tree. Not as warm either. Interestingly enough, by looking at the reflection, you cannot see that it is a tree, but, by the lights and bulbs and icicles and garland, you are safe to assume that what you see is a tree.

Confession-my tree is a fake.

Yep, I said it…not proud, but there ya go!

I won’t go into defense mode as to the reasons I chose a "fake" tree over a "real" one as they were mainly economical, and that just makes cents!

The weekend after Thanksgiving, me and my daughter, along with one of my sons and his girlfriend brought out the Christmas decorations and put up our would be beautiful tree. (The tree that started out as a bunch of folded green bristles, stuffed into a smelly old box with a cold metal pole at its core, from which shape takes place).

You have to know, if you know me at all, that this is going “somewhere”. But, if you are a first time victim bear with me? Though most of my posts are wordy and ethereal, sometimes they are…well, who am I kidding? Just know that I mean well and I promise I won't take offense if you never come back.

I think it is funny how we can’t seem leave the house without checking our reflection in the mirror. I know for me, it is just a natural habit. It is that last assessment before facing the world at large and all the judgment that comes with it. The truth is, like the tree…I started out with a cold, hard center. I was bristly and lived most of my life in a box (probably not a smelly one, but sometimes I do stink) that I rarely ventured very far from.

The reality is, I decorate me like I decorate the Christmas tree. I carefully pick what I will “put on”. My clothes will most likely match, and often are a scaled down version of the latest trend. I put on my make up, do my hair, sure to have just the right amount of fluff and wisps to justify an actual “style”. My shoes will not always be comfortable, but definitely cute. My jewelry will match at least to a small degree and all this because I own a mirror.

I guess that is minimizing things a bit, because it isn’t ONLY because I own a mirror, but for the purpose of this post, we are sticking with it.

It really is cool to see the tree in the reflection in the window, but the truth is, it is not a complete and accurate truth of what the tree is really all about. To really know what the tree looks like…you have to look at the tree.

I would venture to guess that there is little need to wrap this up in a pretty bow, but then again, I tend to lean in that direction with my mind wanderings. So…here’s my stab at it.

I realized tonight (but not for the first time) that it is all well and good to present ourselves as adorned and beautiful. Ready as much for inspection as presentation. But I wonder if it doesn’t distract other’s from looking at the actual “me”? Like my tree for instance…sure, the reflection is beautiful, it even seems to have more sparkle in the glass, but it doesn’t have depth or dimension. You can't hang anything on the reflection, it is of no earthly good. Of course, when you defer to the tree, the opposite is true.

I guess it is safe to say that this observation is true of a fake tree as much as a live one. (Barring the argument that the fake tree will LONG out last the real one)…as I like to see it, for all intents and purposes, the minute the live tree is cut from the ground it is as dead as my fake one anyway.

As for humans, well…that is a different story. We can be alive and fake just as much as we can be alive and real. We have a choice. The bottom line isn't about what we are adorned with or even how we are perceived. Rather that we are exactly who we are in the box, or out of the box. We recognize that we are given an opportunity to shine, to emit a warmth that invites others to draw near and that there is a solid core to us too. One that shapes us into who and what we were meant to be. And from that core are the branches that eventually fill in and have the strength to hold what ever gets hung on them, if only for a season.

In summary, shall we reflect? ;)

Fake trees-Good.
Fake people-Not so much.

…and that’s a wrap!

A Familiar Place I've Never Been

I was commenting on some photo's on a friend's FaceBook page and came across a posted photograph that he had taken, "somewhere"...possibly (most likely) in the Yosemite area, and found myself stopped dead in my tracks, staring, and experiencing a reaction that I didn't expect to have. It was a beautiful photograph.

Though it was in black and white, you really could see color. There were trees on either side of the bank, climbing up the mountain in the background, majestic pines and other evergreens. If it wasn't an evergreen, it was mostly bare. Standing proud in its barroness, having earned their right to just "let go", for a season at least.

A red brick and mortar bridge, that I am certain was icy cold to the touch, arched over a stream of water that reflected the skies. Puffy white clouds, blue open space and the brightness of the sun that seems like it should have more power to warm the very place it lit up, and yet, if I were actually there I would almost bet I could see my breath in the broad light of day.

The air was crisp, and the only way to stay warm was to wrap yourself in tones of golden yellow and deep, burnt orange-red leaves as they wafted gracefully through the air or just barely hanging on, patiently waiting for their turn to dance their way to the ground as only a falling leaf can. I am certain I could smell the scent of the crushed leaves in the wet mud that hugged the pebbles and rocks along the banks of the body of water under the bridge.

I knew no other way to state what I commented on my friend's photograph other than what I actually said. It was something along the lines of him having photographed "a familiar place I have never been". It wasn't so profound to me at the moment I wrote it. It was simply what I meant, it made sense to me and so I said it. I rarely think first and speak later...we all know how dangerous that can be for me, but I tend to live on the dangerous side in that regard.

And now, as I sit here, watching "You've Got Mail", having just returned from a function earlier this evening, I couldn't help but be excited to get back and write out my thoughts.

I wondered why it was that that scene was familiar though, I am certain I had never been there. As anyone who knows me knows, nothing that goes through my thoughts ever stays in its simplest form for long, so I took it a step further and wondered how often I have missed what was meant to be seen and captured as a snapshot in my mind, just because I just wasn't looking. Of course, I will never know the answer to that this side of heaven, but I do know that today I have learned that I have a choice. I could slow down a little to take it in.

I do enjoy photography and love the eye of a great photographer. I truly appreciate the beauty that is captured as they look at my world, a great big, unimaginably borderless world and memorialize the moments and beauty that I just pass by simply because I move too fast.

See, I think photographers have the unique ability of seeing and experiencing life frame by frame. That is a very cool thing. I think I envy that.

I am not really sure where this is going. This post, I mean. I know that I am not done trying to understand the "familiarity of someplace I have never been", but, rather than rush the thought, I would rather take it a bite at a time.

...Meanwhile, I am going back to look at more pictures...I would venture to guess that there are many other familiar places I have never been.

I have nothing to say...

Well, that is not necessarily true or accurate, rather...I want to say nothing.

I often think through out my day of topics ripe for a blog. Something someone says or does may inspire me, or provoke me to a deeper sense of thought and may even wax me philosophical every now and then. I see headlines that make me laugh, some that frighten me and give me that ever necessary "reality check" that we are not long for this world or I'll witness an act worthy of a "blog spot", first hand just WAITING to be authored. Yet...today...I have nothing to say.

I have started blog posts with great intentions, found the perfect picture to correlate my point, even saved it for "future posting" and yet, none of those are appropriate for today.

I hear a lot of people talking, making argument for who they are, what they stand for, why they believe what they believe whether it is a political viewpoint, a spiritual perspective or just that they have a voice and they will use it...whether we like it or not. OK, that is fine. They can and should go for it. And, as for me, I will exercises my right to say nothing.

I am not usually moody or cranky when it comes to writing. I guess I am just feeling a little rebellious, and glib. Perhaps even cynical...it happens. I am just tired of talking. It is all over the news, in the papers, on line, on the radio...everyone is talking. They all have a point, a position, an opinion. They are all right, and won't stop until every other person sees their perspective and some will go so far as to to judge you negatively if you should chose to denounce their insistence on falling in line with their "ways".

I always enjoy reading a good blog that has been written with humor, yet thought provoking. It will often spur me on to tinker around with my own, yet, I can't seem to write one to save my life these days. I wonder if it has to do with my carb intake?

I got a massage tonight, much needed and quite good. I didn't know, until tonight that I do like my earlobes rubbed. Who knew!?

I am about to post this. It probably constitutes one of my most random posts ever. I am content to do so, for no other reason that I really have said "nothing".

Time passages...

Time is its own agent. It passes so quickly and life is eerily and inseparably connected to time.

Time is ever reflective of the fact that we are on a journey that was never intended for the faint of heart, complacent, fearful or idle minded. We must choose to actively participate, explore with wonder, excitement, anticipation and, for good measure, a sense of caution, this life that is in a constant state of movement and change. The alternative is to find ourselves plunked down on a couch in front of a large screen, living our lives vicariously through the passions and accomplishments of others, only to one day find that we have not lived at all and what we have to show for our choice is a dent in the couch and a sense of emptiness and unfulfilled dreams that we all but set on a shelf, resigned to and embracing mediocrity (at best) as our measure of existence.

Who can say for sure what compelled me to write this? I only know that it is a truth in my life that I get one shot at this. There are no do-overs. This is it. We are given a number of days and are created with a purpose, instilled with a hope that is stirred with a sense of expectancy, curiosity and maybe even a smidgen of rebellion...meant to keep us going...moving...excited, hopeful for a new day, new beginning, new opportunity. What role do you play in your life? Are you a passenger? Are you lulled to a state of sleep because you sit idly on the sofa living your life through the passions and accomplishments of others? Have you forgotten that you are to be an active participant? Life is what we make it. I can only encourage you to make the most of this day...it is here, fresh and new...waiting to be authored by you.

Contentment

I have found it, (contentment), in the midst of the most difficult trials of my recent life...those private, personal giants that no one else can see or even sense as they war against me...and I them. Giants and battles that keep me from even a few short hours of straight sleep. You know, those that steal moments and sometimes even hours of my day as I drift off in thought while I wonder how it is that they have seemingly over taken me, stripped me of my strength and somehow, found victory (temporarily) but are relentless to let me not forget nonetheless. I become so angry, yet I know that this battle's days are numbered, and that I am not in this alone. Of course my faith plays a great role in how this all plays out, and with my faith comes a great big God that knows what happens next, so, I don't really "need" to fret or even know...I simply have to trust Him.

And...as I do, I make room for things like a weekend alone with my children. Just me and them.

I cooked some of their childhood favorites. I think it's pretty neat that they have taken some of those recipe's and made them part of their own lives as adults yet they still look forward to "mom's". It's been a long while since I had them all home for more than a few hours as they pass through town on their way to this or that or when we weren't all rushed to celebrate the holidays, make our rounds and be certain that we saw and did all we had "planned" or were obligated to.

This time was so different. It was relaxing, and fun. Quiet at times, and NOT at others. All of it good...even great.

I realize now, how little I need to be most content. Just knowing that my children are all here is enough. I would be cooking or cleaning up in the kitchen and took in the view as these now young "men and women" laughed, and shared their stories, watched television together or played music together. I listened as they instructed each other in the newest chord or lyrics they had come up with, or (the girls) sharing in the newest fashion find, or hobby they had picked up. Eager to teach each other things they were discovering and learning.

Meanwhile, something else was happening...it was sweet, and it was surreal yet, I'd venture to guess unnoticeable unless you had a vantage point like mine. It made my heart smile as I witnessed my children intently listening to each other. I could see that they were realizing for themselves that they were grown up. That they were a family, and though they were aware of their individuality, sweetly and beautifully they had come to respect each other for who they were becoming. I watched as one son would play something on his guitar, and the other would watch, and listen, looking at his brother with nothing less that a look of respect, and pride for the man he was becoming. It was not a one sided admiration, the boys were truly seeing each other as they ought.

I know it probably sounds silly or sappy...but, I wasn't wrong about what I was seeing. Of course they laughed and teased each other like when they were 12, 10, and 8. But, they also eagerly shared their lives and talents and did so speaking more with actions than words making it clear that they were interested in learning about and celebrating each other.

I loved waking up to the sound of clumsy, shuffling feet. The kids would make their way to the kitchen...rummaging like they did when they were little, but now it was for a coffee cup and a hope that I would get down there soon to start the brew cycle. We ate pancakes, and tacos, meatloaf and taters...*not all for breakfast. We drank our weight in coffee, and celebrated birthdays with pecan pie (Chris' favorite) and hot pink cupcakes for Anthony's girlfriend, Jen.(who I love like a daughter). Almost equal to the joy of waking up each morning to sleepy eyed kids, were the sweet moments just before bed at night when I would head up to my room as the "young crowd" loitered around a bit giggling and talking to one another just above a whisper, yet not enough to hear all that was said. It didn't matter really...I knew enough to know that they were just happy to be here and to be together. I think that perhaps they were each realizing how special the other really was. It was broken up with belly laughing and giggles, followed by harsh shushing...and more laughter...I giggled myself, but mostly because the moment's I wondered about when they were little, (these) were now here, and part of my "present".

For just a little while, my "stuff" got pushed to the back of my mind, and I was able to just enjoy my children. Selfishly and unapologetically, I had them to myself. I wouldn't do a single thing different, except perhaps, not eat the hot pink frosting off the cupcake. I managed to rationalize it out for the fact that I'd never done that before and I think everyone should have hot pink teeth at least ONCE in their lives.

Chris and Jamie left this afternoon, and it was bitter sweet. I can't wait for them to come back so we can do it all again. Anthony and Jens decided to stay another night, and of course, I am so glad to have them. And now, it's after 2 a.m., and I am still enjoying the weekend. (Yet dreading the fact that it is a busy week ahead and the Monday morning alarm is swiftly racing toward me).

I will call it a night...and a wonderful weekend too.

Lord, thank you for your brilliant ability to tangibly show me how much you love me by giving me the gift of three amazing children to call my own. Truly...I am blessed!

Time flies...and so did I

It has been several weeks since I really sat down and wrote something down that had NOTHING to do with a Reverse Mortgage or a rent check so, I thought this is as good a time as any to just "recap".

The last few weeks have been a whirl wind. I have made some big changes and some of those changes have "made me". My daughter is now here, and was the catalyst for the big move into a larger home. I needed a bigger place anyway, just for the fact that I have a plethora of shoes, but knowing that the nut falls ever close to the tree, I would now have to provide shelter for my daughter and HER SHOES as well.

Now that the move is complete, my daughter is home, and we are somewhat settled, it was time to tackle the next big project. A company change. I continue to do what I am most passionate about, reverse mortgages, it is simply the company that is changing. I was fortunate enough to do quite well with my current company and actually achieved status enough to be "sought after". Hmmm, something to be said for that!

I am and have always been proud to work for Financial Freedom, and it is a bittersweet goodbye. As with my new home, which is bigger, and more able to provide what I need for my personal needs, the new company does for my financial and career aspirations.

I flew back east this last week, and toured the new company, trained, and am SO excited for yet another change. I am happy about the decision to move and am looking forward to what opportunities lie ahead. As with anything new, there is a bit of trepidation, and uncertainty as I am not so naive as to simply fall for "words". We all know it is the follow through which speaks the loudest. But, to the credit of this new company, I arrived home to find my first shipment of supplies, as well as my first order from Staples awaiting me. THAT was very cool. (It took me 3 months to get my laptop and other office gear from my current company! Heck, even the training class AFTER mine received their gear before I did!)

Anyway...that is pretty much what work is about these days. On a personal front, I reached a 25 lb weight loss goal, and have 15 to go before the end of the year. I am "going for it" and have NO DOUBT I can get there!

I am looking forward to seeing what happens next, I know that it will be good, and that His timing, as always, is perfect.

If I only knew then...

I have to say, the discovery of this pastor and his wonderful and HILARIOUS way of putting what is clearly obvious yet oblivious to the average man and woman had me in stitches!

He has several great clips on YouTube, which I have searched out and have come to appreciate. His name is Mark Gungor, I would highly reccomend him to anyone looking for some genuine insight that is served up "family style" on a platter of giggles, and a good clean fun as a garnish.

I hope you get a good belly laugh out of this, I know I did! Oh, and I encourage you to hold tight the to little morsels of wisdom wrapped in the clever and witty package of humor...we could sure learn a lot if we just saw the truth for the funny, whimsical, hilariousness that it is.

Here's to laughing and learning!

Dusting For Prints

Today was a day in which I can say with certainty that visible prints of the fingertips of God were scattered about. From the very moment I woke up and sought His presence to this moment, late at night as I write about my day.

Today I needed to know He was here with me. I went for my usual two mile walk, where the first signs of fall began to command my attention. It was still dark when I started, the cool morning air was crisp and fresh. The smell of early morning sprinklers on wet grass, and the first of the fallen leaves crushed into the asphalt as the early morning commuters trudged their way to the freeways while the wind carried the scents along the very path I walked and waited on the Lord. I could hear morning alarms going off in the homes along the route, windows open to invite the freshness of a new day in. It was a new beginning for all of us, and I couldn't help but wonder about the lives of those reaching for their alarms, about to face their lives and all that this day would bring them. Did they have the hope I have? Do they talk with Jesus? Do they know He is with them too?

I had to "zip up" this morning, and it wasn't until the end of the two miles that I had built up enough body heat to appreciate that the zipper on my jacket was meant to go in both directions. I had my sun glasses and knew that within 40 minutes of leaving in the dark, I would be greeted by the sun in all its glory and magnificence. The hardest part of the walk is getting going, once I am out, I am glad I went.

Once I got back home I spent some time in prayer and and in God's word. I sipped my morning coffee and suddenly realized as I looked around my beautiful new home, cozy and best described as peaceful and serene, that I am living a wonderful, beautiful dream that I certainly don't deserve yet truly find great joy and satisfaction in. I pray to never take for granted, or hold too tightly my life and the things in it to the point that were I required to let go, my heart would be grieved or even tempted to strain to keep any of it at all.

I asked the Lord to show Himself to me today. His word says that I can and when I did, He would, so I did, and He, as faithful to His word as ever, met me for coffee and a time of being ministered to by Him. I asked for something specific, and I asked with expectancy and an odd assurance in my "gut" that He would surely answer. My experience has always been that He does so in His timing, and rarely ever in my own. In this particular instance, it was nearly instantaneous. Clearly, He was not surprised, and made it evident by the way the Psalm I would be turning to momentarily, was literally made a picture in my head. God was ready to deliver!

I opened my bible up to the Psalm (37) that had just flashed before my mind's eye and began to read. It only took a brief moment to know that I had just heard directly from the Lord and that He knew every detail of my frustration, trials, and "human nature" that would cause me to step out of the covering of His sweet presence and into the ugliness of my flesh and my selfish way of wanting to take things into my own hands. Intent on exacting a measure of justice against those that taunt and fail to fulfill their responsibilities, those that seem to get away with things, while I must simply wait. My hands seemingly tied behind my back, unable to conquer or avenge as my simple and selfish heart desires. I realized that today this very familiar passage was not intended for someone elses encouragement or exhortation. Today it was personal, and meant for me.

Sometimes I go through such difficult trials and want more than anything to know that I was not fighting without cause or chance of victory and more importantly that I was not fighting alone. I was reminded that My God is my refuge, my avenger, and that those that are doing evil do not win the battle. My role is to trust Him and not fear. To abide in Him and not look beyond His covering and provision for my life. It is so easy to look around and proclaim, "no fair"! I admit this is an ongoing process and I will no doubt read Psalm 37 many times until the day comes that I am no longer battling this particular giant.

What was so sweet and even further confirmation of His love for me, came as a friend stopped by and in the midst of a brief conversation about my morning he shared with me about a verse he had come across. I am sure you can guess by now that it was Psalm 37. I was actually a little stunned, (yet not at the same time) and shared what I had written just a few hours earlier this morning in my journal. I somehow had a sense of knowing God's presence once again as my friend had just been used by the Lord to show me that He is here, and in the details.

Days like this make me wonder how I can ever really doubt that the God I serve has everything under control. Days like this make me want to just dig in even more, find a strong foothold and stand fast. As I set another Ebenezer stone at this juncture of my life, I look forward to the next. I have a sense of renewed mind and strength and an unsettled state of being has become less apparent as a calmness and peace take its place.

His fingerprints are everywhere, in my life and yours...I dare you to count, to get out the dust and brush, and go to town discovering just where He has been in your life today.

Stabbed in the back...

Okay, so it was a needle, not a knife but it was a stab, and it was in the back. I went in this morning to Sutter Neuro-Spine and Surgery Center for additional injections as it has been exactly 5 months (and one day) since the first round.

It is never an easy thing to do because there is a tremendous amount of pain involved in this tedious process to eliminate the pain that I must endure on a daily basis. I am thankful when it is over, but the first experience left me with night sweats, repeated, desperate nightmares in which I relived over and over the moment the needles penetrated my back and pierced the nerve in which they were intended. I was sedated but, not "out". So, I felt EVERYTHING and could not move let alone go with my natural instinct to kick the surgeon or gut punch him to just return the favor of presenting me with the experience of excruciating pain without any warning. I was screaming under the sedation, in my head it was nearly blood curdling, and yet, the sounds I heard with my own ears were muted moans and groans that hardly expressed the octave in which they were intended to be heard. The room was freezing cold, and of course, by now, I knew what I was in for.

I heard the reassuring voices of the doctor and the nurses in the room but I think it was more for their benefit and not mine as they promised it was almost over . I doubt I am the first to scream under sedation, but it is not an easy experience to endure and the sense of helplessness is nearly enough to make one mentally "twist". There were no words eloquent or encouraging enough from those in the room that could ease that experience. I realize it was necessary to go through the process and enjoyed about 3.5 to 4 months of manageable pain and no longer required a walker to get out of bed, or a cane to get to the door. But the moment will never be forgotten and, of course played into today's experience simply for the remembrance of it.

I trust the Lord, and was blessed to have the event covered in prayer. I knew I could choose His peace, or walk in and expect fear to be my god. I choose peace!

This go 'round, I was honest with the surgeon and shared my last experience with him to which he seemed genuinely concerned and assured me that he would increase the sedation and that I should never have had that experience. I am happy to say that he did as he promised. And though there is a tinge of remembrance of the experience, it is somewhat blurred and I admit a bit of confusion surrounds the event as I cannot say for certain that it wasn't just another moment in which I relived the first "go round".

Anyway, I am doing well, and appreciate the prayers and support of my family and friends. Most of the day I lugged around two legs that felt as if they weighed (conservatively) 200 lbs each! Just so thankful that the ability to walk came back within a few hours. PRAISE GOD! I am blessed to have a loving sister, kids and my best "b-bff" *boy-best friend forever* ;) who encourage and support me in the toughest of my days as I deal with recurring pain, by simply offering up their prayers and companionship. I was well taken care of today and cannot say enough thank you's to my dear friend who set aside the day to babysit. You rock!! Today...you SERIOUSLY "had my back"!

I am looking forward to tomorrow. It will be a pretty good indicator of whether or not the injections "took". I am trusting the Lord and just going to wake up believing that it is a great day and that for just a few more months, I might just get to live nearly pain free again!

About that lump...

I know, strange subject line. Grab your coffee...its a long read!

I guess some might remember that there was a time when a "lump" was a measure of sugar, or the strange sensation you got in your throat right before a romantic moment on the old black and white. It reminds me that we are truly a society at large that is in a constant state of change, not even our sayings mean what they once did. The whole "one lump or two" has all but gone out the window for the "packet". Now, its more a question of Pink? Blue? Yellow? And, I always wondered...what if I wanted 3 lumps? Am I disqualified from lumping my coffee? Do I then only qualify for the next inquiry? Cream with that?...

Still not sure, but in the hustle and bustle lifestyle of today's coffee drinking-whirlwind riding-java-addict, there are simply many more decisions we must make in order to receive that cup of coffee than in the years gone by. At one time, it was simply served as we mozied up to the counter at the local diner, whether we had that exasperated "I can't start my day till I have it" look on our faces or not. No words, it was clear...we just needed coffee! (and for about 35 cents, we got all we could consume! ) Clearly, there was a time when life was simpler. Here are a few thoughts I have had, just scratching the surface of a good Cup O' Joe.

I sat in a meeting at a local Starbucks last week...and while waiting for the client to arrive, I counted 16 different types of coffee for purchase. I doubt I saw all of them, this is based solely on what my 40 year old eyes were able to read from my vantage point. Of those 16 varieties, there were "sub options" if you will. (Call it OCD, or just a mindless game I play to pass away the moments that were intended for the client that was "running a little late". ) First of all...Half pound? Pound?? Now, I have 32 options, Regular, or decaffeinated? 64 and climbing. Then of course, there is the issue of grinding. Do I want that grounded or whole bean? Grounded you say, well, no problem! How would you like that grounded? So, now my 64 options, doubled once again for grounded our whole bean, (128) have now tripled, (384) as I have come to learn that there is a course ground, a fine ground, and espresso ground. This is critical information and the decision can only be determined based on the style of coffeemaker that you possess. (Don't get me started, that is a whole OTHER blog post!) For the sake of this post, we will use my coffee pot as the standard. It requires a fine grind. (Apparently because it comes with a wire basket, and not paper filters.) *WHO KNEW!? Whew! Narrowed that down a bit! So, recapping here, those 128 options have the potential for at LEAST 3 different grind selections, giving me AT MINIMUM, 384 ways to drink my cup 0' joe.

As if that were not enough, I can always choose to have it either hot or cold...something as simple as that and poof, I am up to 768 options for a cup of coffee. See, I don't have a degree in...well in anything, but certainly had NO idea how difficult ordering a cup of coffee could become until this new era.

Don't think it ends there, I am only just beginning, see...there are other important things to consider as this is just an example of buying a pound (or half pound) of coffee from local Starbucks. My guess is Pete's is similar in most areas. Then...we have the "other" things to consider...Drive through, or walk up? Dine in? Patio? Do we want a pastry with that? And....speaking of the "THAT"...*Cup of coffee...here is where you really want to know your stuff. Coffee isn't just coffee, its dessert, its a meal! Its ART! (no kidding). You can swish it, swirl it, sniff it, twirl it...coffee at 4Bucks is the new Napa!

You can have your coffee blended, iced, or hot. You can have it 160 degrees, or more (at your own risk). You may choose to add syrup flavor. Will that be sugar-free or regular? Sugar-free syrup offers up about 4 choices, Regular, a few more. Do you want whip cream with that? Now, you can even have an energy boost or some wheat grass added. Partly to justify the whip cream, but apparently, it adds "nutritional value.

Extra blended is what you want when you order a Frappaccino on a hot day. (We can't have ice chunks now can we?) Of course, we can't forget that you will also need to indicate if you will be have the "skinny", non fat, sugar free version, 2% milk, or whole milk.

Coffee is not coffee anymore...and I KNOW I am not the first to write on this subject, its just one of those phenomenons that we are just entranced by...at least until we recognize we just drank a 16 oz. drink for the low cost of "4bucks", ( Which is also the name to which I fondly refer to Starbucks as.) on our way to the gas station where we will proceed to gripe about the cost of gasoline having surpassed that 4 dollar mark per gallon.

For many of us, the habit had already been formed, and the drive through was a daily practice. Speaking of drive through...There was a time when that meant McDonald's or Jack in the Box. But now, it means "coffee".

For example: If I tell someone I will be right over, gonna hit the drive through, and ask if they want anything, they don't tell me "yeah, grab me a Big Mac", they say...hmmm, its too late for coffee for me, or, Sure, I'd like a Venti, Iced, Non-fat, Sugar Free, Caramel Machiatto, Extra Ice, Light Caramel. (That is one drink folks!). I know this cuz that is MY drink!

Its a funny topic, and yet, it is shameless. It is by far one of the most significant examples of brilliant marketing and consumer brainwashing I have seen in my lifetime. I long for the days when coffee was just coffee! Rest assured, I do have my moments of rebellion and decide to drink tea and, as simple as it sounds even TEA complicates itself.

I have to admit, right now, I have a major head ache, I'd like to stay it has to do with the math in the above blogged about subject, but my gut tells me it is a caffeine headache and I could really use a Venti, Iced, Non-Fat, Caramel Machiatto, extra ice, light caramel, right about now!

Cheers!

Weightier Matters

Back in June, I was blessed to go off on a weekend camping trip. As it turned out it was Father's day weekend and has served as a reminder as to when the "commitment" actually took place.


Throughout the time at the camp out, hosted by our singles group at church, we met for devotions and bible study, though it was mostly geared toward recognizing the tools we are surrounded by that help us to attain the goals and aspirations we have as individuals in our personal lives. There was plenty of practical application to be had as we found scripture to support the fact that God has a great plan for our lives and mediocrity was not a part of said plan.


We were encouraged to seek the Lord to discover what He may want to do in us for the last half of yet another year that is simply passing by. (Likened more to a freight train than a paddle boat.) We were challenged to commit to those changes and to access the tools and necessary support to get where we were intent on going. It was not unlike a lot of sessions you might expect to find on a weekend like this one, but for me...it was time to listen and then to leap to action. Denial had been a great companion so long as complacency and mediocrity was my "goal"...but now, it was time to quit adjusting my world to suit my skewed perception, and just get on with doing what needs to be done. NO MORE EXCUSES!


By the end of the weekend, I had come to realize that the issue that I was struggling with most, *aside from poor food choices, was my lack of physical exercise, and activity due to my back and the issues that surround it. I admit, it was also an excuse not to push myself past the pain, though the pain is still very real.

To that end I share what I have been "up to"...of late. To do that we need to go back to that Sunday just for a bit...

Sunday, the last morning of the camp-out, Pastor Michael challenged us to share what we would we would like to change, and to be honest about what we want the Lord to do in our lives...and I KNEW I needed to speak up. The cool thing was that I knew I was with my friends and in a place where people accepted me just as I was and loved me "anyway". The next thing I knew I said it! "OUT LOUD" Which, to those of you have been in similar shoes know "OUT LOUD" means ACCOUNTABLE! There it was,DONE. I said it! I was doing it! No more excuses, I had to be a woman of my word.

Since then, I have committed to a change in the foods I eat and just exercising by walking. Nothing TOO extreme. I have been following a South Beachy/Atkinsy routine and it has been good to me. Its been two months...LONG months! But, today, I am down, YES, DOWN" 16.5 lbs! Some might think I should be further along...to that I say "true". However, (confession here), there were about two weeks of being "totally off the wagon" and then, I snapped out of it and back into a great routine. Now that I am in my new house, and have a beautiful, defined, walking trail all around me, I am motivated to get out there. I am up every morning at 5:30 and out walking by 6:00 with my little sister. We hold each other accountable and it has been good for both of us.

So...as if making myself accountable to my dear friends in "singles group" and sister were not enough, now YOU know too! (GULP)

Feel free to encourage me! Remember though, I don't want or need the pasta police. I do, however, love to be challenged and am getting used to the whole idea of accountability. (Now all I have to do is actually POST this blog and my commitment will go, yet, one level deeper)!

I'll keep ya posted!

Battle Ready

I have endured one of the most hectic weeks I have had in a long time. It has been among the most trying with regard to work, daily life and even friendships. As we know, given a little time, things become clearer and the dust settles. We do the best we can, and sometimes we are victorious in conquering in battle, achieving our goals, and resolving conflict. And, sometimes, we are not. In the case of the former, there is no reward greater than the actual conquering, achieving, or resolving. In the case of the latter, when we do none of or only a few of those things but still must go on, we are faced with a challenge in our character, commitment to excellence, and faith.

I learned a little more about myself this week. I learned that, though I can be disappointed, I can get over it pretty quickly. Moving on to what the point of the experience might be and how I can best apply it to my life, or encourage someone else in it. I learned that I can be defeated and must chose to stay defeated or chose to remember that there is a great deal to be said about accepting defeat with grace, yet remaining confident that I did all I could to secure a victory. I know that there is almost always only one winner. Losing gracefully is a lost art that, though I hope to never perfect, I trust that I was to learn a thing or two about it, and perhaps endure a refresher course.

I learned that I am resilient, that I can reason, and discuss and share points and opinions without the assumption that they MUST be accepted and embraced, rather than simply heard, and considered by whom it was that they were directed.

I recognized a sense of freedom in some of those discoveries. I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist. I don't know if "they" say it is normal, but, when it comes to friends, family and the world at large, my level of expectation in most things is minimal...marginal maybe? I understand grace and mercy and offer it up rather readily...it is just my nature. Yet, when it comes to "me"...no so much. So...I am also learning that I need to cut myself a little slack too. (a work in progress).

I can't say that any of this is a brand new revelation in my life. I know that these are all lessons life and its experiences have taught me many times before. Its just that this week, was a concentrated boot camp of "all things chaos".


My physical strength is diminishing...I knew this time in my life was coming. But, it doesn't make it any easier to accept. My emotions were scattered, as most of them had little rest in the last few weeks between my friend's move, and getting him packed and unpacked, and then my own big move. Being pushed to my limits physically has perhaps taxed my emotions more than they might at any other time in my life, the fact that it happened at a time when my work demanded so much more of me, only pushed me to accept that there are things that I just cannot control.

Friendships or "familyships" that require our commitment, patience, love and understanding sometimes take a back seat to the things that drive our paycheck or ego...and I realized this week that we must keep all of these things in balance. Boundaries are just as important as willingness to be there. I had to stop and reflect on what the fuss is really all about, and the truth is, none of it had gotten past the watchful eye of the Lord. It is not up to me to rescue the world, or always "be there" for people though, I was created for this purpose, it is not all "on me". I simply need to be honorable to the task at hand, do my best, love the people I love,abd follow through. It is so important to trust the Lord to work out all the details and nuances that I just can't control.

I know I will learn this over and over again...I guess I am writing this out so that I can look back one day and say, "oh, yeah"...I learned that already...and know exactly what to do. It is the Lord who guides me, protects me, provides for me. He moves me, and draws me to Himself. I need only to know that there is nothing He does not see, nor any trial He has not allowed. I put on my armour, go to battle, do my best and then I simply find my rest in Him.

Ever have one of those days???

Whelp...me too! In fact, I have had a string of them, 6 to be exact!

If anyone out there is listening...I could use your prayers.

In a nut shell

It's been a week since I got the boxes transported to their next "holding pin". I wanted to write, I needed to write, but...I couldn't justify sitting down when there was so much to do.

I am pretty much settled in now. The new place is great and I LOVE being home. I had a productive week working from home, and LOVE sitting in my office, up in the loft, looking out into the foothills through the big windows positioned perfectly for this very purpose. Working is not the same from this vantage point!

So, the week has brought a few nice surprises. My daughter started a blog! You can see it by clicking http://kbwifey.blogspot.com/, check it out...she is funny, endearing, and wonderful. I'm not just saying that 'cuz she's my daughter either!

I went and got a massage Thursday night...it was SOOO necessary and very relaxing...the highlight of the week!

Work was filled with twists and turns, and it was nice to end the week with dinner with my buddy and the watching of the Olympics in HD "splendor". :)

Today, I tackle the garage and a few other little projects, then, I will be "done" with the whole moving, settling in, etc. I am looking forward to just living life and not "moving" it.

So, that is it, my week in a nutshell. Nothing too over the top, mostly, a productive and good week.

I should be able to keep up the blog a little better, and won't always have "nothing" interesting to report or discuss.

Time to get the coffee...

This just in!

It's official! I get the keys to the new place at 5:30! Yippee

Not that living out of boxes and having a home that somewhat resembles a corn maze in October doesn't have a quirky fun side to it...it's just that there are very few redeeming qualities in the comfort of the refrigerator box currently serving as a sofa, or the computer box/coffee tables that are not quite sturdy enough for a lamp, with a peculiar scent of pepperoni and saugage that lingers from the new coffee table, cleverly converted from last night's dinner delivery. (I guess it's time to say goodbye to the Coleman lantern hanging from the ceiling hook that once housed my oil fountain/hanging Greek Godess lamp-statue.) ;)

I have been waiting for this day for several months now, slowly increasing the intensity of the "packing process" from the occasional glance at a box here and there, as I think to my self, "hmm...that might work for the monitor" or, "hey, I think my collection of nesting dolls will fit in that box", to following the Best Buy guys to their cars to see if I can talk any of them into stashing a few of the "good" boxes, with a little help from "George" while secretly imagining myself holding U-Haul to get some good wardrobe boxes and packing tape.

I have lost my tape guns (3 of them) over the course of packing, at LEAST a hundred times, and don't know that I didn't use one to seal the other safely into a box..."somewhere".

The great news is it is all down hill from here. Two flights of stairs, twice the size of the home, hundreds of boxes, bags, and plastic containers, some basic furniture, some pizza and lots of friends...moving made easy!

Expectation v. Expectancy

I was thinking about a friend of mine, and the huge transition his life has seemed to take. So unexpectedly, so out of character for him, and so much change. From his church, which he is imbedded deeply in, and church family, to friends, co-workers, to the very place he calls home, It is all changing tomorrow. I think it takes a huge amount of courage to make changes in your life. I also believe it takes a LOT more courage to allow God to make those changes in your life. Let me explain…

When you and I decide we are going to change something…we usually decide, first of all, what we are going to change. We will then pursue the means by which we will make said changes, followed by actually carrying them out. We are allowing for a certain amount of expectation that, due to the actions we take change is inevitable, even anticipated. Now, in my opinion, that in is admirable, sometimes heroic and more often than not the only easy part about making the change is acknowledging the desire, everything else takes WORK!

So…what about those changes that we are kept in the dark about? What about the ones that the Lord is working out ahead of us before we ever get to tomorrow? The changes that gradually reveal themselves to us, usually without our input, though usually perfectly timed. Often so gradual that we may not recognize them until someone else notices first.

That is what made me think about “Expectancy” v. “Expectations”. I believe that when we live a life filled with expectations we are living a life with an agenda. We have conditioned our hearts and minds for a specific outcome and, no doubt, a great possibility for disappointment. (Perhaps a lifetime of it.) We have not usually considered other possibilities, or if we have they are so distant that they never become a real possibility in our hearts or minds. I know I have lived my life this way, and even carried certain expectations into relationships. Sometimes, they were reasonable and healthy…and at other times, they were self serving and selfish.

Expectancy…let’s take a look at this for a moment…a few glimpses at the synonyms, reveal descriptive words like, anticipation, hope, suspense, bated breath!

Anticipation!? Hope!?...BATED BREATH!? How cool is that!??!

I could not help but think about my life in Christ…has it been filled with Expectation alone? I will never say that is a bad thing…Encarta defines expectation as “A confident belief for a strong hope that a particular event will happen.” Sounds great to me! I believe we need that! I just believe that we need to believe that those “particular events” are actually for good and not evil, to give us a future and a hope!

The thing with expectation seems to me to be more about a “timing” thing. We seem to be looking at the clock…waiting…with no wiggle room for anything to occur but what we expect. (I believe we carry this into relationships and perhaps…miss great opportunities to be wonderfully surprised by the ones we love because there is less expectancy in relationships than there is expectation. I believe our relationship

with the Lord is also subject to this practice.)

So this “expectancy”, what does it mean? I mean we know what some of the synonyms are now, but what about the definition? I couldn’t wait to look up the definition. Here is what I found.

Expectancy: “Excited awareness that something is about to happen.”

Now THAT, to me, is alive! It is a state of being, and a place of hopefulness. There are no deadlines so there is no disappointment there. There is no definitive, but it leans toward the belief that something good is going to happen. At the very least SOMETHING was going to happen. (Which is what had me thinking about change). It sounds like fun. It sounds like something I want to have more of. It sounds like it is perhaps, something we need to consider as we face those daily trials, the changes life brings us as we are challenged by the uncertainty of each new day.

Don't get me wrong. I think it is fair and reasonable to have expectations and give it its' fair shot too. God’s word has revealed "God Himself" to us . We read it to learn about the author, That He spoke truth, proclaimed Himself to be God and asked that we believe in it. Not for His sake, but our own. I believe it to be true...I expect it to be true.

It’s funny how sometimes,I finally “get” things. The kind of things the Lord was probably trying to get me to understand for a long time. I mean it’s one thing to be intent on learning, and maybe even looking for answers, but quite another thing to somehow stumble upon the answers to questions you didn’t even realize you had.

Today, with a renewed sense of excited awareness that something *good is about to happen, I am going to trust that it is His perfect plan unfolding. I am going to walk confidently in the hope that is Christ, and with great expectancy. I am going to wait on Him, rest in Him and know that His timing is perfect, that change is inevitable, and when it happens, I can expect that it is all for good!

Situational Extroversion...I Think It Might Catch On!

I am learning more about myself as I “put myself out there”, especially in my single’s group.
For so long, I lacked the courage or confidence to speak up, or speak out. I believed any attention I got was negative attention. I feared judgment, criticism, assumption, and rejection. I found solace in solitude and contentment in the risk free lifestyle that solitude offered. I really had not considered myself “lonely”... That just didn’t seem to faze me as much as I had recognized that I was “alone”.

As a child, I remember being a bit of a goof ball. Silly and carefree. As I reflect on the little girl I was, I remember that there was a time “before” the fear, when I was just free. I was free to be in the mix of people. Though, I was self conscious to a degree…nothing like the self consciousness that I grew into as I got older.

I have spent a lot of my life determining where I belong based on what I got out of being there, whether it was a job, a committee, a hobby, a church, a friendship or even a romantic relationship. It never really dawned on me that this was true of me, until I started to recognize the truest satisfaction I have experienced in who I am as a woman, a mother, a friend came out of the sincerest and simplest of things. It was when I began investing in the people of those relationships. When I started to give of myself, my talents and my time that I began to find the greatest contentment I had ever experienced.

You see, I was learning that I was finally operating in the gifts the Lord had given me. I am an exhorter, and encourager, and at times, I can even administrate…none of those gifts were given to me to hide away in the safety of aloneness. I didn’t really even recognize that I had those gifts until I risked a little judgment, criticism, assumption and even rejection. It wasn’t until I trusted what the Lord was doing in me, and getting past the lies of the enemy who wanted me to go to my grave believing that my past somehow dictates my future, and that my failures defined me, rather than shaped me into who I am today.

I have shared with some that I consider myself a “situational extrovert”. It is getting easier to be the voice in the room, and not just a flower on the wall. But, not because of my comfort level or self confidence, but because I know that the Lord has given me spiritual gifts and that He intended for me to use them to minister to others. To give an account for the hope that is in me and to share the opportunity with others so that they too can have that kind of hope.

I pray that you might be encouraged to recognize and utilize the gifts the Lord has given you. That perhaps you might even consider that safety sometimes isn’t safe, and the contentment can sometimes be a cover for complacency. I pray that you will find confidence in the living God that gives to you all you need to be where He has you. I would encourage you to venture out, try something new, and give the Lord a chance to show you how unique and important you are to the lives around you. It isn’t always easy, and sometimes it’s even painfully frightening. But I can promise you this, the rewards are immeasurable and the journey is unforgettable!

Overwhelmed

Today, my head is spinning. My anxiety level is rising and I seem to be lost in directionless wandering. I have boxes everywhere, loans that are in need of my attention, publishers calling, clients waiting, laundry piles morphing into mountains before my eyes, email coming out my ears, and of course, I only want to hide away and write.

When I get like this I tend to shut down. I find myself curled up,(mentally) thinking, praying and hoping that I can regain some sense of direction before I get lost for an indefinite period of time. Usually, a trip out of the house to get coffee helps...too bad I downed nearly a pot already... My jitters have the jitters!

In all my earthly wisdom, I have learned to leave a trail of gummy bears so that I can find my way out of every mess I find myself in. The problem, as I see it, is that they are of no use if I pick them up and eat them along the way! (well, except for the fact that they feed my sugar high). :0)

I guess it's good to feel the pressure of your worlds colliding at times. I am not sure "WHAT" good it is, but as always, in time, it is revealed and often makes perfect sense. I am watching my clock as I type, anticipating the moment that it all becomes clear. (Only to notice that the battery needs replacing-is it my eyes or is the second hand moving BACKWARDS?!) and that, of course, only adds to the humor (and humiliation) of it all.

Whelp...It appears that nothing is getting done...and that doesn't seem to help the anxiety level. Something's gottah give!

Ok...OK!...Fine! I'll get back to work! But, I won't like it and...

~I WILL BE BACK!

Ever Transitioning

This weekend was spent doing something I love, but this time it was for others and not for me. My single's group put together a huge yard sale and made over 500 dollars for Acres of Hope, a women's transitional home out of Auburn.

It was hot, and a lot of work, but just knowing that it is going to a good cause somehow makes everything right. Don't worry, we suffered only slightly. We were never short on pizza, Starbucks, or the comfort of running inside for a bottled water and a nice comfy couch under the air conditioner. It was so natural for me to assume those luxuries would be there. Or, to anticipate that I would not endure much more than the slightest effects of a little hard work on a warm summer's day.

Remembering back to the days when I was faced with providing, on my own, for my children brought a sense of humility to me that I hope I never forget. There is a kind of fear that accompanied my waking hours. "What if" I would never "make it" or be able to provide for my children all that they deserve? Being left at such a young age with three small children, and nothing but a GED and some general labor work skills to somehow make ends meet, left me with more questions about our future that imagined possibilities. I remember at times thinking that there was no way I could do it. No matter how I added things up, crossed things of the list of "necessities" or went without...there was just never enough.

There were plenty of times when I felt crushed against the anvil. When it seemed that I might surrender to the intensity of the heat. The seemingly relentless blows had become a formidable opponant. And, were it not for the one consistency in my life, Jesus, I might have buckeled. So many times I felt there was nothing more I could do, and would cry out to God. (He had me where He wanted me!) Today I see that those "blows" were only the shaping and forming that was required at the time. The very trials that allowed me to choose God. To make Him king and covering. To allow Him to be who He was in my life, so that I might, one day, be who I am to be.

He was so faithful. I was so consistently "not". I look at who I am today, who my children are, and consider where we came from. I can only attest to the good that came from the life we lived as being a blessing amid the trials. I am confident that His grace and mercy are the reasons I am here today. A strong, faith filled believer who leans on Him as I face each day. I learned that I could trust Him in even the smallest of things. I learned that I could be confident in Him. I learned that I was loved, and His provision for my life was greater than I could imagine. More importantly, I learned that He loved my children even more than I did. Though, it is still hard for me to fathom.

I see I am not so unlike the women in the transitional home. I find that I am on quite a similar journey, though perhaps a little further down the road. The twists, the turns, the unpredictable nature of life. All the things that make me want to stay in bed, yet, call to me...daring me to face and conquer.

I am thankful for opportunities to reflect back on who I was back then, and where I came from. It puts perspective to the reality that the Lord truly is working on us, as He works in us, so that He might work through us. (Knowing full well, I have not "arrived".)

I know that the women at the transitional home have had a rough go of things. I know some may not even have the hope of Christ, that I have today as I did back then. I know that we are all striving, struggling, and not always able to believe that we are capable of overcoming, not on our own, but because of Whose we are.

I think back to where I might have erred most often, and it was almost always when I tried to accomplish on my own, what my Jesus wanted to do Himself.

Today, I pray that we might remember for a moment that we all start "somewhere" on this journey. That we don't always get to choose how the Lord reveals Himself to us, or when. But, we do all get the chance to tell our story at least once. We get to share what He has done for us and maybe even encourage or impact another life for good. We embark on a journey, it starts before we are ever born. We will, no doubt, be faced with many a tough decision, and opportunity to take that "road less traveled"...Knowing that I don't have to "go it alone" is my peace! I pray my life will be a story, a never ending, hope filled, grace infused, mercifully blessed, story of my great big, loving God and me.

...ROAD TRIP!!!!

Lead Us Not Into Temptation, But...

A good friend of mine had been teaching her three-year old daughter, Ella, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings right before bed little Ella would repeat each line from the prayer after her mom. Finally, Ella was ready to go solo. My friend listened with pride as Ella carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, in the most precious little voice, "but deliver us from e-mail."

~ Amen!.

What's it two ewe?

"It's none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way".
~Ernest Hemingway

Mr. Hemingway is among my favorite of "the literary giants". Though, you won't hear much in the way of commentary from me regarding him. I think there are many great dissertations on his abilities as a writer, his masterful and accutely defined talent and of course his works themselves speak volumes both literally and figuratively so that I am left with no room to expound. Simply put, “It has all been said”.

Ernie does inspire and challenge me to tap into the mind I have been given. As I put my pen to paper, or in this venue, fingers to the keyboard, to find simple and concise ways to memorialize certain thoughts, feelings, opinions or ideas on any given subject. I see that as I purpose myself to write an “installment to the blog”, I become more aware of how easy it can be to catch a good case of "writer's block". In this instance, the confounding is more in the sense that there is SO much I want to write about but, cannot chose a particular subject. Therefore, I sit, slumped and pondering.

I guess I might have done well to put this disclaimer out there from the onset. I write because I have to. Because thoughts float, and dreams that start out as pictures turn magically into colors, and sounds and words in my head. They waft around, like the aroma of fresh baked apple pie, straight from the oven. You cannot see the aroma. But for the pie itself, aroma would not exist. Is it fair to say the pie is only as good as it tastes? To that end, words are only words until they are crafted into a story, a thought, a poem, or song with the purpose of satisfying the underlying hunger, or urging to communicate.

I would never claim to be grammatically astute. My spelling and punctuation will always yearn to be adopted by an English major that would lovingly make the most of coming along side to polish and shine what I manage to present to the world as "my rocks". I often type out faster than I think, and eventually find myself going back to correct a “two” for a “too” or a “weak” for a "week”. I do my best to preview this stuff, reading the post "through and threw" before posting it for posterity...I am just bound to miss stuff. It is just the way it is with me! ;)

As I am reminded that we are to live by the measure of grace we offer others, I ask:

"If there be any grace in any of you, let it be in this"…that you are compassionate and understanding in your knowing that my love is “writing” …not "grammar or spelling"! (Heck, it's PRACTICALLY biblical)!!

~1 Lisa 1:1-2

Holy or Happy...do we have to choose?

I find myself needing to draw straws when it comes to what to write next. My mind spins with topics, ideas and opinions…all ripe for sharing. Perhaps the wisdom is not so much in sharing what I believe about a specific topic, but that I share what I have learned from it?

A friend of mine and I were chatting last night. As we talked we stumbled onto the subject of the trials and hardships we are currently facing and what it means to find "joy" in the midst of trials. We talked a bit about the subject of “happiness” and what it might mean in the grand scheme of things…and then I remembered what my pastor said on more than one occasion. “The Lord is more concerned with our HOLINESS than our HAPPINESS”. It really doesn’t get any clearer than that!

We are all faced with trials, difficulties, and hardships. Almost without exception, the aforementioned comes at us with little notice, if any at all! I can no longer count on my hands and feet the number of times I have been blindsided by trials and difficulties that I never saw coming. Yet, I cannot help but consider that If all that I endure is meant to bring me to a closer, holier, and purer walk with Him, then why not just draw near to Him and abide in Him BEFORE the "trials that teach” find me!? My experiences tells me that I am happiest when I am holiest-as I abide in Christ.

I am so grateful that I have a rescuer, a savior, protector and redeemer. A mighty God that sees the simplicity and naivety of who and what I am yet finds me loveable. I am humbled and thankful that I have a hope that goes beyond my own ability to out run, outsmart or, even out last any trial. That I can run to my protector, the one who can extinguish any threat before it would consume me. My prayer is that you have found that same hope, that same heart of gratitude, and the same realization that we need not face our battles alone. We don’t go through the hardships to prove to ourselves that we are tough, capable or indestructible, rather, that God IS, and in His wisdom will use any means to draw us to Himself.

I am learning that I simply need to be in His presence. In the safety of the shelter of His covering. And that my trials always bring me to that place. I pray you wouldn't find yourself running just to run, with no direction or hope of finding a safe haven, a restful, peaceful, place. I pray you find all you need when you stop running "from" the trials, and instead run "to" Jesus.

Refiner's Fire

There is not an ingot of silver in heaven’s treasury which has not been in the furnace on earth and been purified 7 times; there is not a gem which the Divine Jeweler has not exposed to every sort of test; there is not an atom of gold in the Redeemer’s crown which has not been molten among the hottest coals so as to rid it if its alloy. It is universal to every child of God. If you are a servant of the Lord, you must be tried “as gold is tried.”
~C.H. Spurgeon

There are many days I wake up to a sense of peace and contentment that goes beyond my understanding’s own ability to comprehend. It is a serene and beautiful place in which to awaken. Though, it is rarer than not. I cannot seem to “un-know” this sense and have a longing to experience this state of being every day. Instead are the aches and pains of simply living in a body that is as tired of being asleep as it is of being awake. Those mornings are much more consistent than the other. As I convince my feet to hit the floor, I am reminded that I am not as young as I once was. I talk to God first thing…we discuss “my” plan, and then we throw it out the window. (I have to get it out of my system). And then, I can only surrender to what He has for me today.

I pray that my day is easy, but trust that though it may not be, He is with me. I pray that I might not have to face the “giants” of my world, but trust that if I do, He is with me. I ask for His protection, knowing that I really don’t have to, as He has promised me that He is with me always. I ask that I not be tested, but trust that if I am, He is with me. I hope that If I am tested, that I not fail. And if I fail, I trust that He is still with me.

Life is filled with challenges, trials, difficulties and disappointments. Most of which are a conquerable, but not without first going to battle. I say most, because, we know that we cannot always win every battle. At least not in the ways “we” consider winning. Many a brave soul has lost their battle to cancer, devastating injuries, or their own will to live. I can’t help but wonder how the Lord will use that for His good, His glory in the grand scheme of things I can tell you that I have seen with my own eyes how those who Love Him, even in their dieing breaths, have ministered to the grieving.

So many people I know today face difficult trials, financial, marital, spiritual, emotional…I could go on but the point remains the same. The only common denominator is the suffering that is evoked from the difficulty, and what position the "sufferer" takes with every trial, or situation that they face. It has been my experience that what separates those I have witnessed in such trials (including myself), is what or WHO those in the midst of trial trust in. I am learning that I must go through the difficulties, some being consequences of my own choices, and some a direct result of someone else’s. (Sometimes, it is just the natural course of events and no one is to blame). Nevertheless, I must get to the other side regardless of whose “fault” it is. I would rather lean on and trust the God who made me than to rely on my own strength to get to that "other side".

The reality is that it truly is a refining process, one that can occur no other way. The heat of the flame, the "breaking down" before the true forming begins, the assurance that we are in the hands of the Master who rids our lives of the alloy, the impurities that keep us from being our purest, most refined selves, fit for a crown.

I am accepting of this process, though I don’t always endure with grace. I am submitted, though at times, I kick against the goads. It is in His loving nature to remind me “whose” I am, and that no matter the process, He has not asked of me a greater suffering than He himself had not already endured.