Contentment

I have found it, (contentment), in the midst of the most difficult trials of my recent life...those private, personal giants that no one else can see or even sense as they war against me...and I them. Giants and battles that keep me from even a few short hours of straight sleep. You know, those that steal moments and sometimes even hours of my day as I drift off in thought while I wonder how it is that they have seemingly over taken me, stripped me of my strength and somehow, found victory (temporarily) but are relentless to let me not forget nonetheless. I become so angry, yet I know that this battle's days are numbered, and that I am not in this alone. Of course my faith plays a great role in how this all plays out, and with my faith comes a great big God that knows what happens next, so, I don't really "need" to fret or even know...I simply have to trust Him.

And...as I do, I make room for things like a weekend alone with my children. Just me and them.

I cooked some of their childhood favorites. I think it's pretty neat that they have taken some of those recipe's and made them part of their own lives as adults yet they still look forward to "mom's". It's been a long while since I had them all home for more than a few hours as they pass through town on their way to this or that or when we weren't all rushed to celebrate the holidays, make our rounds and be certain that we saw and did all we had "planned" or were obligated to.

This time was so different. It was relaxing, and fun. Quiet at times, and NOT at others. All of it good...even great.

I realize now, how little I need to be most content. Just knowing that my children are all here is enough. I would be cooking or cleaning up in the kitchen and took in the view as these now young "men and women" laughed, and shared their stories, watched television together or played music together. I listened as they instructed each other in the newest chord or lyrics they had come up with, or (the girls) sharing in the newest fashion find, or hobby they had picked up. Eager to teach each other things they were discovering and learning.

Meanwhile, something else was happening...it was sweet, and it was surreal yet, I'd venture to guess unnoticeable unless you had a vantage point like mine. It made my heart smile as I witnessed my children intently listening to each other. I could see that they were realizing for themselves that they were grown up. That they were a family, and though they were aware of their individuality, sweetly and beautifully they had come to respect each other for who they were becoming. I watched as one son would play something on his guitar, and the other would watch, and listen, looking at his brother with nothing less that a look of respect, and pride for the man he was becoming. It was not a one sided admiration, the boys were truly seeing each other as they ought.

I know it probably sounds silly or sappy...but, I wasn't wrong about what I was seeing. Of course they laughed and teased each other like when they were 12, 10, and 8. But, they also eagerly shared their lives and talents and did so speaking more with actions than words making it clear that they were interested in learning about and celebrating each other.

I loved waking up to the sound of clumsy, shuffling feet. The kids would make their way to the kitchen...rummaging like they did when they were little, but now it was for a coffee cup and a hope that I would get down there soon to start the brew cycle. We ate pancakes, and tacos, meatloaf and taters...*not all for breakfast. We drank our weight in coffee, and celebrated birthdays with pecan pie (Chris' favorite) and hot pink cupcakes for Anthony's girlfriend, Jen.(who I love like a daughter). Almost equal to the joy of waking up each morning to sleepy eyed kids, were the sweet moments just before bed at night when I would head up to my room as the "young crowd" loitered around a bit giggling and talking to one another just above a whisper, yet not enough to hear all that was said. It didn't matter really...I knew enough to know that they were just happy to be here and to be together. I think that perhaps they were each realizing how special the other really was. It was broken up with belly laughing and giggles, followed by harsh shushing...and more laughter...I giggled myself, but mostly because the moment's I wondered about when they were little, (these) were now here, and part of my "present".

For just a little while, my "stuff" got pushed to the back of my mind, and I was able to just enjoy my children. Selfishly and unapologetically, I had them to myself. I wouldn't do a single thing different, except perhaps, not eat the hot pink frosting off the cupcake. I managed to rationalize it out for the fact that I'd never done that before and I think everyone should have hot pink teeth at least ONCE in their lives.

Chris and Jamie left this afternoon, and it was bitter sweet. I can't wait for them to come back so we can do it all again. Anthony and Jens decided to stay another night, and of course, I am so glad to have them. And now, it's after 2 a.m., and I am still enjoying the weekend. (Yet dreading the fact that it is a busy week ahead and the Monday morning alarm is swiftly racing toward me).

I will call it a night...and a wonderful weekend too.

Lord, thank you for your brilliant ability to tangibly show me how much you love me by giving me the gift of three amazing children to call my own. Truly...I am blessed!