Time passages...

Time is its own agent. It passes so quickly and life is eerily and inseparably connected to time.

Time is ever reflective of the fact that we are on a journey that was never intended for the faint of heart, complacent, fearful or idle minded. We must choose to actively participate, explore with wonder, excitement, anticipation and, for good measure, a sense of caution, this life that is in a constant state of movement and change. The alternative is to find ourselves plunked down on a couch in front of a large screen, living our lives vicariously through the passions and accomplishments of others, only to one day find that we have not lived at all and what we have to show for our choice is a dent in the couch and a sense of emptiness and unfulfilled dreams that we all but set on a shelf, resigned to and embracing mediocrity (at best) as our measure of existence.

Who can say for sure what compelled me to write this? I only know that it is a truth in my life that I get one shot at this. There are no do-overs. This is it. We are given a number of days and are created with a purpose, instilled with a hope that is stirred with a sense of expectancy, curiosity and maybe even a smidgen of rebellion...meant to keep us going...moving...excited, hopeful for a new day, new beginning, new opportunity. What role do you play in your life? Are you a passenger? Are you lulled to a state of sleep because you sit idly on the sofa living your life through the passions and accomplishments of others? Have you forgotten that you are to be an active participant? Life is what we make it. I can only encourage you to make the most of this day...it is here, fresh and new...waiting to be authored by you.

Contentment

I have found it, (contentment), in the midst of the most difficult trials of my recent life...those private, personal giants that no one else can see or even sense as they war against me...and I them. Giants and battles that keep me from even a few short hours of straight sleep. You know, those that steal moments and sometimes even hours of my day as I drift off in thought while I wonder how it is that they have seemingly over taken me, stripped me of my strength and somehow, found victory (temporarily) but are relentless to let me not forget nonetheless. I become so angry, yet I know that this battle's days are numbered, and that I am not in this alone. Of course my faith plays a great role in how this all plays out, and with my faith comes a great big God that knows what happens next, so, I don't really "need" to fret or even know...I simply have to trust Him.

And...as I do, I make room for things like a weekend alone with my children. Just me and them.

I cooked some of their childhood favorites. I think it's pretty neat that they have taken some of those recipe's and made them part of their own lives as adults yet they still look forward to "mom's". It's been a long while since I had them all home for more than a few hours as they pass through town on their way to this or that or when we weren't all rushed to celebrate the holidays, make our rounds and be certain that we saw and did all we had "planned" or were obligated to.

This time was so different. It was relaxing, and fun. Quiet at times, and NOT at others. All of it good...even great.

I realize now, how little I need to be most content. Just knowing that my children are all here is enough. I would be cooking or cleaning up in the kitchen and took in the view as these now young "men and women" laughed, and shared their stories, watched television together or played music together. I listened as they instructed each other in the newest chord or lyrics they had come up with, or (the girls) sharing in the newest fashion find, or hobby they had picked up. Eager to teach each other things they were discovering and learning.

Meanwhile, something else was happening...it was sweet, and it was surreal yet, I'd venture to guess unnoticeable unless you had a vantage point like mine. It made my heart smile as I witnessed my children intently listening to each other. I could see that they were realizing for themselves that they were grown up. That they were a family, and though they were aware of their individuality, sweetly and beautifully they had come to respect each other for who they were becoming. I watched as one son would play something on his guitar, and the other would watch, and listen, looking at his brother with nothing less that a look of respect, and pride for the man he was becoming. It was not a one sided admiration, the boys were truly seeing each other as they ought.

I know it probably sounds silly or sappy...but, I wasn't wrong about what I was seeing. Of course they laughed and teased each other like when they were 12, 10, and 8. But, they also eagerly shared their lives and talents and did so speaking more with actions than words making it clear that they were interested in learning about and celebrating each other.

I loved waking up to the sound of clumsy, shuffling feet. The kids would make their way to the kitchen...rummaging like they did when they were little, but now it was for a coffee cup and a hope that I would get down there soon to start the brew cycle. We ate pancakes, and tacos, meatloaf and taters...*not all for breakfast. We drank our weight in coffee, and celebrated birthdays with pecan pie (Chris' favorite) and hot pink cupcakes for Anthony's girlfriend, Jen.(who I love like a daughter). Almost equal to the joy of waking up each morning to sleepy eyed kids, were the sweet moments just before bed at night when I would head up to my room as the "young crowd" loitered around a bit giggling and talking to one another just above a whisper, yet not enough to hear all that was said. It didn't matter really...I knew enough to know that they were just happy to be here and to be together. I think that perhaps they were each realizing how special the other really was. It was broken up with belly laughing and giggles, followed by harsh shushing...and more laughter...I giggled myself, but mostly because the moment's I wondered about when they were little, (these) were now here, and part of my "present".

For just a little while, my "stuff" got pushed to the back of my mind, and I was able to just enjoy my children. Selfishly and unapologetically, I had them to myself. I wouldn't do a single thing different, except perhaps, not eat the hot pink frosting off the cupcake. I managed to rationalize it out for the fact that I'd never done that before and I think everyone should have hot pink teeth at least ONCE in their lives.

Chris and Jamie left this afternoon, and it was bitter sweet. I can't wait for them to come back so we can do it all again. Anthony and Jens decided to stay another night, and of course, I am so glad to have them. And now, it's after 2 a.m., and I am still enjoying the weekend. (Yet dreading the fact that it is a busy week ahead and the Monday morning alarm is swiftly racing toward me).

I will call it a night...and a wonderful weekend too.

Lord, thank you for your brilliant ability to tangibly show me how much you love me by giving me the gift of three amazing children to call my own. Truly...I am blessed!

Time flies...and so did I

It has been several weeks since I really sat down and wrote something down that had NOTHING to do with a Reverse Mortgage or a rent check so, I thought this is as good a time as any to just "recap".

The last few weeks have been a whirl wind. I have made some big changes and some of those changes have "made me". My daughter is now here, and was the catalyst for the big move into a larger home. I needed a bigger place anyway, just for the fact that I have a plethora of shoes, but knowing that the nut falls ever close to the tree, I would now have to provide shelter for my daughter and HER SHOES as well.

Now that the move is complete, my daughter is home, and we are somewhat settled, it was time to tackle the next big project. A company change. I continue to do what I am most passionate about, reverse mortgages, it is simply the company that is changing. I was fortunate enough to do quite well with my current company and actually achieved status enough to be "sought after". Hmmm, something to be said for that!

I am and have always been proud to work for Financial Freedom, and it is a bittersweet goodbye. As with my new home, which is bigger, and more able to provide what I need for my personal needs, the new company does for my financial and career aspirations.

I flew back east this last week, and toured the new company, trained, and am SO excited for yet another change. I am happy about the decision to move and am looking forward to what opportunities lie ahead. As with anything new, there is a bit of trepidation, and uncertainty as I am not so naive as to simply fall for "words". We all know it is the follow through which speaks the loudest. But, to the credit of this new company, I arrived home to find my first shipment of supplies, as well as my first order from Staples awaiting me. THAT was very cool. (It took me 3 months to get my laptop and other office gear from my current company! Heck, even the training class AFTER mine received their gear before I did!)

Anyway...that is pretty much what work is about these days. On a personal front, I reached a 25 lb weight loss goal, and have 15 to go before the end of the year. I am "going for it" and have NO DOUBT I can get there!

I am looking forward to seeing what happens next, I know that it will be good, and that His timing, as always, is perfect.