For so long, I lacked the courage or confidence to speak up, or speak out. I believed any attention I got was negative attention. I feared judgment, criticism, assumption, and rejection. I found solace in solitude and contentment in the risk free lifestyle that solitude offered. I really had not considered myself “lonely”... That just didn’t seem to faze me as much as I had recognized that I was “alone”.
As a child, I remember being a bit of a goof ball. Silly and carefree. As I reflect on the little girl I was, I remember that there was a time “before” the fear, when I was just free. I was free to be in the mix of people. Though, I was self conscious to a degree…nothing like the self consciousness that I grew into as I got older.
I have spent a lot of my life determining where I belong based on what I got out of being there, whether it was a job, a committee, a hobby, a church, a friendship or even a romantic relationship. It never really dawned on me that this was true of me, until I started to recognize the truest satisfaction I have experienced in who I am as a woman, a mother, a friend came out of the sincerest and simplest of things. It was when I began investing in the people of those relationships. When I started to give of myself, my talents and my time that I began to find the greatest contentment I had ever experienced.
You see, I was learning that I was finally operating in the gifts the Lord had given me. I am an exhorter, and encourager, and at times, I can even administrate…none of those gifts were given to me to hide away in the safety of aloneness. I didn’t really even recognize that I had those gifts until I risked a little judgment, criticism, assumption and even rejection. It wasn’t until I trusted what the Lord was doing in me, and getting past the lies of the enemy who wanted me to go to my grave believing that my past somehow dictates my future, and that my failures defined me, rather than shaped me into who I am today.
I have shared with some that I consider myself a “situational extrovert”. It is getting easier to be the voice in the room, and not just a flower on the wall. But, not because of my comfort level or self confidence, but because I know that the Lord has given me spiritual gifts and that He intended for me to use them to minister to others. To give an account for the hope that is in me and to share the opportunity with others so that they too can have that kind of hope.
I pray that you might be encouraged to recognize and utilize the gifts the Lord has given you. That perhaps you might even consider that safety sometimes isn’t safe, and the contentment can sometimes be a cover for complacency. I pray that you will find confidence in the living God that gives to you all you need to be where He has you. I would encourage you to venture out, try something new, and give the Lord a chance to show you how unique and important you are to the lives around you. It isn’t always easy, and sometimes it’s even painfully frightening. But I can promise you this, the rewards are immeasurable and the journey is unforgettable!
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