Stabbed in the back...

Okay, so it was a needle, not a knife but it was a stab, and it was in the back. I went in this morning to Sutter Neuro-Spine and Surgery Center for additional injections as it has been exactly 5 months (and one day) since the first round.

It is never an easy thing to do because there is a tremendous amount of pain involved in this tedious process to eliminate the pain that I must endure on a daily basis. I am thankful when it is over, but the first experience left me with night sweats, repeated, desperate nightmares in which I relived over and over the moment the needles penetrated my back and pierced the nerve in which they were intended. I was sedated but, not "out". So, I felt EVERYTHING and could not move let alone go with my natural instinct to kick the surgeon or gut punch him to just return the favor of presenting me with the experience of excruciating pain without any warning. I was screaming under the sedation, in my head it was nearly blood curdling, and yet, the sounds I heard with my own ears were muted moans and groans that hardly expressed the octave in which they were intended to be heard. The room was freezing cold, and of course, by now, I knew what I was in for.

I heard the reassuring voices of the doctor and the nurses in the room but I think it was more for their benefit and not mine as they promised it was almost over . I doubt I am the first to scream under sedation, but it is not an easy experience to endure and the sense of helplessness is nearly enough to make one mentally "twist". There were no words eloquent or encouraging enough from those in the room that could ease that experience. I realize it was necessary to go through the process and enjoyed about 3.5 to 4 months of manageable pain and no longer required a walker to get out of bed, or a cane to get to the door. But the moment will never be forgotten and, of course played into today's experience simply for the remembrance of it.

I trust the Lord, and was blessed to have the event covered in prayer. I knew I could choose His peace, or walk in and expect fear to be my god. I choose peace!

This go 'round, I was honest with the surgeon and shared my last experience with him to which he seemed genuinely concerned and assured me that he would increase the sedation and that I should never have had that experience. I am happy to say that he did as he promised. And though there is a tinge of remembrance of the experience, it is somewhat blurred and I admit a bit of confusion surrounds the event as I cannot say for certain that it wasn't just another moment in which I relived the first "go round".

Anyway, I am doing well, and appreciate the prayers and support of my family and friends. Most of the day I lugged around two legs that felt as if they weighed (conservatively) 200 lbs each! Just so thankful that the ability to walk came back within a few hours. PRAISE GOD! I am blessed to have a loving sister, kids and my best "b-bff" *boy-best friend forever* ;) who encourage and support me in the toughest of my days as I deal with recurring pain, by simply offering up their prayers and companionship. I was well taken care of today and cannot say enough thank you's to my dear friend who set aside the day to babysit. You rock!! Today...you SERIOUSLY "had my back"!

I am looking forward to tomorrow. It will be a pretty good indicator of whether or not the injections "took". I am trusting the Lord and just going to wake up believing that it is a great day and that for just a few more months, I might just get to live nearly pain free again!