Oh Christmas Tree...Longer than a blog post, shorter than a novel

I am sitting up here in my office overlooking the living room where my Christmas tree is glowing softly and adding a sense of warmth to the room that is begging me to come down and curl up on the sofa with. Soft hues of gold and white and the tree’s own reflection in the living room window challenging the tree itself for the honors of being found simple, yet beautiful.

What I noticed in the reflection is that there are no details. Just muted light, softened by the glow of the tiny white lights and the clear glass bulbs and frosted gold bulbs and maybe, if you look really hard, you can make out some of the cherubs tucked into the branches. The reflections isn't quite as bright as the tree. Not as warm either. Interestingly enough, by looking at the reflection, you cannot see that it is a tree, but, by the lights and bulbs and icicles and garland, you are safe to assume that what you see is a tree.

Confession-my tree is a fake.

Yep, I said it…not proud, but there ya go!

I won’t go into defense mode as to the reasons I chose a "fake" tree over a "real" one as they were mainly economical, and that just makes cents!

The weekend after Thanksgiving, me and my daughter, along with one of my sons and his girlfriend brought out the Christmas decorations and put up our would be beautiful tree. (The tree that started out as a bunch of folded green bristles, stuffed into a smelly old box with a cold metal pole at its core, from which shape takes place).

You have to know, if you know me at all, that this is going “somewhere”. But, if you are a first time victim bear with me? Though most of my posts are wordy and ethereal, sometimes they are…well, who am I kidding? Just know that I mean well and I promise I won't take offense if you never come back.

I think it is funny how we can’t seem leave the house without checking our reflection in the mirror. I know for me, it is just a natural habit. It is that last assessment before facing the world at large and all the judgment that comes with it. The truth is, like the tree…I started out with a cold, hard center. I was bristly and lived most of my life in a box (probably not a smelly one, but sometimes I do stink) that I rarely ventured very far from.

The reality is, I decorate me like I decorate the Christmas tree. I carefully pick what I will “put on”. My clothes will most likely match, and often are a scaled down version of the latest trend. I put on my make up, do my hair, sure to have just the right amount of fluff and wisps to justify an actual “style”. My shoes will not always be comfortable, but definitely cute. My jewelry will match at least to a small degree and all this because I own a mirror.

I guess that is minimizing things a bit, because it isn’t ONLY because I own a mirror, but for the purpose of this post, we are sticking with it.

It really is cool to see the tree in the reflection in the window, but the truth is, it is not a complete and accurate truth of what the tree is really all about. To really know what the tree looks like…you have to look at the tree.

I would venture to guess that there is little need to wrap this up in a pretty bow, but then again, I tend to lean in that direction with my mind wanderings. So…here’s my stab at it.

I realized tonight (but not for the first time) that it is all well and good to present ourselves as adorned and beautiful. Ready as much for inspection as presentation. But I wonder if it doesn’t distract other’s from looking at the actual “me”? Like my tree for instance…sure, the reflection is beautiful, it even seems to have more sparkle in the glass, but it doesn’t have depth or dimension. You can't hang anything on the reflection, it is of no earthly good. Of course, when you defer to the tree, the opposite is true.

I guess it is safe to say that this observation is true of a fake tree as much as a live one. (Barring the argument that the fake tree will LONG out last the real one)…as I like to see it, for all intents and purposes, the minute the live tree is cut from the ground it is as dead as my fake one anyway.

As for humans, well…that is a different story. We can be alive and fake just as much as we can be alive and real. We have a choice. The bottom line isn't about what we are adorned with or even how we are perceived. Rather that we are exactly who we are in the box, or out of the box. We recognize that we are given an opportunity to shine, to emit a warmth that invites others to draw near and that there is a solid core to us too. One that shapes us into who and what we were meant to be. And from that core are the branches that eventually fill in and have the strength to hold what ever gets hung on them, if only for a season.

In summary, shall we reflect? ;)

Fake trees-Good.
Fake people-Not so much.

…and that’s a wrap!

A Familiar Place I've Never Been

I was commenting on some photo's on a friend's FaceBook page and came across a posted photograph that he had taken, "somewhere"...possibly (most likely) in the Yosemite area, and found myself stopped dead in my tracks, staring, and experiencing a reaction that I didn't expect to have. It was a beautiful photograph.

Though it was in black and white, you really could see color. There were trees on either side of the bank, climbing up the mountain in the background, majestic pines and other evergreens. If it wasn't an evergreen, it was mostly bare. Standing proud in its bareness, having earned their right to just "let go", for a season at least.

A red brick and mortar bridge, that I am certain was icy cold to the touch, arched over a stream of water that reflected the skies. Puffy white clouds, blue open space and the brightness of the sun that seems like it should have more power to warm the very place it lit up, and yet, if I were actually there I would almost bet I could see my breath in the broad light of day.

The air was crisp, and the only way to stay warm was to wrap yourself in tones of golden yellow and deep, burnt orange-red leaves as they wafted gracefully through the air or just barely hanging on, patiently waiting for their turn to dance their way gracefully, softly, quietly, to the ground as only a falling leaf can. I am certain I could smell the scent of the crushed leaves in the wet mud that hugged the pebbles and rocks along the banks of the body of water under the bridge.

I knew no other way to state what I commented on my friend's photograph other than what I actually said. It was something along the lines of him having photographed "a familiar place I have never been". It wasn't so profound to me at the moment I wrote it. It was simply what I meant, it made sense to me and so I said it. I rarely think first and speak later...we all know how dangerous that can be for me, but I tend to live on the dangerous side in that regard.

And now, as I sit here, watching "You've Got Mail", having just returned from a function earlier this evening, I couldn't help but be excited to get back and write out my thoughts.

I wondered why it was that that scene was familiar though, I am certain I had never been there. As anyone who knows me knows, nothing that goes through my thoughts ever stays in its simplest form for long, so I took it a step further and wondered how often I have missed what was meant to be seen and captured as a snapshot in my mind, just because I just wasn't looking. Of course, I will never know the answer to that this side of heaven, but I do know that today I have learned that I have a choice. I could slow down a little to take it in.

I do enjoy photography and love the eye of a great photographer. I truly appreciate the beauty that is captured as they look at my world, a great big, unimaginably borderless world and memorialize the moments and beauty that I just pass by simply because I move too fast.

See, I think photographers have the unique ability of seeing and experiencing life frame by frame. That is a very cool thing. I think I envy that.

I am not really sure where this is going. This post, I mean. I know that I am not done trying to understand the "familiarity of someplace I have never been", but, rather than rush the thought, I would rather take it a bite at a time.

...Meanwhile, I am going back to look at more pictures...I would venture to guess that there are many other familiar places I have never been.

I have nothing to say...

Well, that is not necessarily true or accurate, rather...I want to say nothing.

I often think through out my day of topics ripe for a blog. Something someone says or does may inspire me, or provoke me to a deeper sense of thought and may even wax me philosophical every now and then. I see headlines that make me laugh, some that frighten me and give me that ever necessary "reality check" that we are not long for this world or I'll witness an act worthy of a "blog spot", first hand just WAITING to be authored. Yet...today...I have nothing to say.

I have started blog posts with great intentions, found the perfect picture to correlate my point, even saved it for "future posting" and yet, none of those are appropriate for today.

I hear a lot of people talking, making argument for who they are, what they stand for, why they believe what they believe whether it is a political viewpoint, a spiritual perspective or just that they have a voice and they will use it...whether we like it or not. OK, that is fine. They can and should go for it. And, as for me, I will exercises my right to say nothing.

I am not usually moody or cranky when it comes to writing. I guess I am just feeling a little rebellious, and glib. Perhaps even cynical...it happens. I am just tired of talking. It is all over the news, in the papers, on line, on the radio...everyone is talking. They all have a point, a position, an opinion. They are all right, and won't stop until every other person sees their perspective and some will go so far as to to judge you negatively if you should chose to denounce their insistence on falling in line with their "ways".

I always enjoy reading a good blog that has been written with humor, yet thought provoking. It will often spur me on to tinker around with my own, yet, I can't seem to write one to save my life these days. I wonder if it has to do with my carb intake?

I got a massage tonight, much needed and quite good. I didn't know, until tonight that I do like my earlobes rubbed. Who knew!?

I am about to post this. It probably constitutes one of my most random posts ever. I am content to do so, for no other reason that I really have said "nothing".

Time passages...

Time is its own agent. It passes so quickly and life is eerily and inseparably connected to time.

Time is ever reflective of the fact that we are on a journey that was never intended for the faint of heart, complacent, fearful or idle minded. We must choose to actively participate, explore with wonder, excitement, anticipation and, for good measure, a sense of caution, this life that is in a constant state of movement and change. The alternative is to find ourselves plunked down on a couch in front of a large screen, living our lives vicariously through the passions and accomplishments of others, only to one day find that we have not lived at all and what we have to show for our choice is a dent in the couch and a sense of emptiness and unfulfilled dreams that we all but set on a shelf, resigned to and embracing mediocrity (at best) as our measure of existence.

Who can say for sure what compelled me to write this? I only know that it is a truth in my life that I get one shot at this. There are no do-overs. This is it. We are given a number of days and are created with a purpose, instilled with a hope that is stirred with a sense of expectancy, curiosity and maybe even a smidgen of rebellion...meant to keep us going...moving...excited, hopeful for a new day, new beginning, new opportunity. What role do you play in your life? Are you a passenger? Are you lulled to a state of sleep because you sit idly on the sofa living your life through the passions and accomplishments of others? Have you forgotten that you are to be an active participant? Life is what we make it. I can only encourage you to make the most of this day...it is here, fresh and new...waiting to be authored by you.

Contentment

I have found it, (contentment), in the midst of the most difficult trials of my recent life...those private, personal giants that no one else can see or even sense as they war against me...and I them. Giants and battles that keep me from even a few short hours of straight sleep. You know, those that steal moments and sometimes even hours of my day as I drift off in thought while I wonder how it is that they have seemingly over taken me, stripped me of my strength and somehow, found victory (temporarily) but are relentless to let me not forget nonetheless. I become so angry, yet I know that this battle's days are numbered, and that I am not in this alone. Of course my faith plays a great role in how this all plays out, and with my faith comes a great big God that knows what happens next, so, I don't really "need" to fret or even know...I simply have to trust Him.

And...as I do, I make room for things like a weekend alone with my children. Just me and them.

I cooked some of their childhood favorites. I think it's pretty neat that they have taken some of those recipe's and made them part of their own lives as adults yet they still look forward to "mom's". It's been a long while since I had them all home for more than a few hours as they pass through town on their way to this or that or when we weren't all rushed to celebrate the holidays, make our rounds and be certain that we saw and did all we had "planned" or were obligated to.

This time was so different. It was relaxing, and fun. Quiet at times, and NOT at others. All of it good...even great.

I realize now, how little I need to be most content. Just knowing that my children are all here is enough. I would be cooking or cleaning up in the kitchen and took in the view as these now young "men and women" laughed, and shared their stories, watched television together or played music together. I listened as they instructed each other in the newest chord or lyrics they had come up with, or (the girls) sharing in the newest fashion find, or hobby they had picked up. Eager to teach each other things they were discovering and learning.

Meanwhile, something else was happening...it was sweet, and it was surreal yet, I'd venture to guess unnoticeable unless you had a vantage point like mine. It made my heart smile as I witnessed my children intently listening to each other. I could see that they were realizing for themselves that they were grown up. That they were a family, and though they were aware of their individuality, sweetly and beautifully they had come to respect each other for who they were becoming. I watched as one son would play something on his guitar, and the other would watch, and listen, looking at his brother with nothing less that a look of respect, and pride for the man he was becoming. It was not a one sided admiration, the boys were truly seeing each other as they ought.

I know it probably sounds silly or sappy...but, I wasn't wrong about what I was seeing. Of course they laughed and teased each other like when they were 12, 10, and 8. But, they also eagerly shared their lives and talents and did so speaking more with actions than words making it clear that they were interested in learning about and celebrating each other.

I loved waking up to the sound of clumsy, shuffling feet. The kids would make their way to the kitchen...rummaging like they did when they were little, but now it was for a coffee cup and a hope that I would get down there soon to start the brew cycle. We ate pancakes, and tacos, meatloaf and taters...*not all for breakfast. We drank our weight in coffee, and celebrated birthdays with pecan pie (Chris' favorite) and hot pink cupcakes for Anthony's girlfriend, Jen.(who I love like a daughter). Almost equal to the joy of waking up each morning to sleepy eyed kids, were the sweet moments just before bed at night when I would head up to my room as the "young crowd" loitered around a bit giggling and talking to one another just above a whisper, yet not enough to hear all that was said. It didn't matter really...I knew enough to know that they were just happy to be here and to be together. I think that perhaps they were each realizing how special the other really was. It was broken up with belly laughing and giggles, followed by harsh shushing...and more laughter...I giggled myself, but mostly because the moment's I wondered about when they were little, (these) were now here, and part of my "present".

For just a little while, my "stuff" got pushed to the back of my mind, and I was able to just enjoy my children. Selfishly and unapologetically, I had them to myself. I wouldn't do a single thing different, except perhaps, not eat the hot pink frosting off the cupcake. I managed to rationalize it out for the fact that I'd never done that before and I think everyone should have hot pink teeth at least ONCE in their lives.

Chris and Jamie left this afternoon, and it was bitter sweet. I can't wait for them to come back so we can do it all again. Anthony and Jens decided to stay another night, and of course, I am so glad to have them. And now, it's after 2 a.m., and I am still enjoying the weekend. (Yet dreading the fact that it is a busy week ahead and the Monday morning alarm is swiftly racing toward me).

I will call it a night...and a wonderful weekend too.

Lord, thank you for your brilliant ability to tangibly show me how much you love me by giving me the gift of three amazing children to call my own. Truly...I am blessed!

Time flies...and so did I

It has been several weeks since I really sat down and wrote something down that had NOTHING to do with a Reverse Mortgage or a rent check so, I thought this is as good a time as any to just "recap".

The last few weeks have been a whirl wind. I have made some big changes and some of those changes have "made me". My daughter is now here, and was the catalyst for the big move into a larger home. I needed a bigger place anyway, just for the fact that I have a plethora of shoes, but knowing that the nut falls ever close to the tree, I would now have to provide shelter for my daughter and HER SHOES as well.

Now that the move is complete, my daughter is home, and we are somewhat settled, it was time to tackle the next big project. A company change. I continue to do what I am most passionate about, reverse mortgages, it is simply the company that is changing. I was fortunate enough to do quite well with my current company and actually achieved status enough to be "sought after". Hmmm, something to be said for that!

I am and have always been proud to work for Financial Freedom, and it is a bittersweet goodbye. As with my new home, which is bigger, and more able to provide what I need for my personal needs, the new company does for my financial and career aspirations.

I flew back east this last week, and toured the new company, trained, and am SO excited for yet another change. I am happy about the decision to move and am looking forward to what opportunities lie ahead. As with anything new, there is a bit of trepidation, and uncertainty as I am not so naive as to simply fall for "words". We all know it is the follow through which speaks the loudest. But, to the credit of this new company, I arrived home to find my first shipment of supplies, as well as my first order from Staples awaiting me. THAT was very cool. (It took me 3 months to get my laptop and other office gear from my current company! Heck, even the training class AFTER mine received their gear before I did!)

Anyway...that is pretty much what work is about these days. On a personal front, I reached a 25 lb weight loss goal, and have 15 to go before the end of the year. I am "going for it" and have NO DOUBT I can get there!

I am looking forward to seeing what happens next, I know that it will be good, and that His timing, as always, is perfect.

If I only knew then...

I have to say, the discovery of this pastor and his wonderful and HILARIOUS way of putting what is clearly obvious yet oblivious to the average man and woman had me in stitches!

He has several great clips on YouTube, which I have searched out and have come to appreciate. His name is Mark Gungor, I would highly reccomend him to anyone looking for some genuine insight that is served up "family style" on a platter of giggles, and a good clean fun as a garnish.

I hope you get a good belly laugh out of this, I know I did! Oh, and I encourage you to hold tight the to little morsels of wisdom wrapped in the clever and witty package of humor...we could sure learn a lot if we just saw the truth for the funny, whimsical, hilariousness that it is.

Here's to laughing and learning!