Deeper Blue

Carry me away, where the breeze of the ocean mixes with the cool crisp  mountain air. Wrap me warmly in the embrace of the arms that usher me into my dreams and softly touch me with the hands that paint the sky hues of orange and pink and purple as the sun sets, seemingly dropping off at the very edge of the sea, effortlessly, and majestically.

Whisper the words I need most to hear through the rustling of the pines, tall and mighty. As their branches entertain the feathered fair, singing their own songs of contentment for all the world to hear. Make known  just the same your own contentment, you are safe here with me.

Lead, follow or come alongside, rest assured though,  a hurried gait has no purpose as beauty is seen in the journey well documented with colorful memories, scents, and feelings and only in the mind and heart and not in a flurry of urgency. Take it in, breathe it in, and only exhale enough to make room for more. This kind of beautiful is rarest of all beauty, to be treasured moment by moment. 


Rest with me in the certainty that today has our undivided attention. That no foul or fallow thing could possible reign over us, because we have this moment, and in this moment is beauty, and hope, and laughter, and the unmistakable knowing that joy is a choice, and is chosen still.

CALAMITY

A perplexing combustion of known and unknown…calamity

Straddling the weathered, white washed fences of my mind

It is its own, most formidable enemy… calamity

Perpetuating itself with fierce, relentless desire

Deeply entrenched in uncertainty…calamity

Tirelessly pursuing, and dressed in knowing pride

Fanning its own flames, fueling its own fire…calamity

Uncertainty breeds discontentment spiraling, furiously inward

The only consolation I see is consistency...calamity

It is certain that inconsistency is its own consistency

Finding comfort in this concept is…calamity

Not so unlike embracing the lesser of the evils

Where shall it finally make a home…calamity?

Worse and worst, poised on the dark and darker sides

A perplexing combustion of known and unknown…calamity

Straddling the weathered, white washed fences of my mind

Lisa Bennett 11/2010

**As a footnote, I thought I might share that this in no way reflects "my" state of mind, rather my curiosity for the word calamity. My mind started painting a picture with words, and I just started writing those words down...rest assured, my fence is up, and calamity has taken up residency quite contently on the pages of my blog...and here alone.

Adequately Pierced

Adequately pierced…

A richly colored, well shaped vessel, hand-picked and perfectly placed in the spot best suited for its contents, enough sun, but not too much, cool shade at the right time of day and visible to all who would care to appreciate its beauty, were they to take the time to look.

Filled with soil, rich in nutrients, and meant to be the environment in which the seeds planted, would grow with the fervor and intent that they were meant for.  The seeds grew to plants, and the plants bloomed their flowers, and they were beautiful…

I have been self appointed to the role of plant tender (and house sitter) while the owner of both plants and home enjoys an extended stay abroad. Over the course of time I have been at this property, I must admit there were more than a few times when I thought I MIGHT have the better deal!

I have been faithful to water the plants; it is somewhat of a therapy and a responsibility I don’t take lightly. (After all, it really is my “ONLY TASK”…the rest of it comes down to simply enjoying my stay at this beautiful retreat like estate).

I noticed this morning something I’d not noticed before, as I went about the business of watering the plants and flowers, some were doing quite well, while other’s seemed to be struggling. I admit I had observed this previously but had not put thought into it, other than to perhaps water a little longer where the plants looked tired, dry and as if they were struggling to beat their intended fate, assuming that was really all they needed.

I love to be out on the terrace, this is where I write and think, and sometimes cry. (I have taken the liberty to do so on occasion as I sense the Lord speak to me here)…but mostly, I just love the view, the beauty of grounds  and the flowers.

 

Today, I found myself sitting on a step, next to some of the potted flowers, within reach of many of them and was using the “soaker” selection of the hose sprayer and purposefully began soaking some of the flower pots that seemed like they needed, well…something more. Reaching each of them from where I sat, I began to ask the Lord what today might be about. I wondered out loud, if He would speak to me and bravely pondered out loud, would I even hear You if You DID speak to me?

I leaned to the left, and to the right, pointing my soaker in the direction of each little vessel awaiting its well deserved drink of water. I have to say that I tried to be fair all along, treating each pot of flowers with the same care and equal time under the soaker hose. But, something struck me this time that I had not noticed before…this one particular (rather thirsty looking pot of mixed plants and flowers) was filling up with water…and the water was going NO WHERE! I wondered how it was possible, and watched for a few moments only to find nothing was happening…unless we want to count the fact that I managed to fill the pot to the top with water as the “something” that happened.

I filled it, and watched, and waited, and quite honestly, found myself a bit unnerved that the water would not soak in…I was perplexed because dry soil SHOULD soak up water, right?

The next thing I knew, I had pierced my finger down into the soil…just curious I guess, and the result? Bubbles. Yep, bubbles. Under almost 2 full inches of water, was about a ¼ inch of damp soil, and then nothing but DRY, tightly packed, impenetrable dirt untouched and unscathed by the drenching I had imposed upon it. I was baffled. I poked even deeper, and met even more resistance. Interesting, I thought.

It was at the moment that I pierced my finger down into the soil to investigate what was going on deeper that something began to happen in ME.  I saw the picture the Lord was trying to speak to me the entire time I had been here, but for who knows how many, or what reasons at all, I had not heard or seen…until now.

I am this planted flower, desperately thirsty, though adequately watered.  I have done all that is within me to bloom and grow by soaking up the droplets that fell upon me, but receiving little benefit from the soaking, because the soil was packed much too tightly, and lacked the ability to bubble. Placed in the exact vessel, chosen expressly for me, a simple base, not too ornate, earthy in color, and plenty of room to grow…yet I am stifled. I tearfully asked at that moment, "what happened to me, Lord"? "How did I get to this hard, dry and dying place"?  I long for a quenching that no mist or frequent droplets could satisfy.  

I really had everything necessary to thrive…well, except the experience of being recently pierced.  In order for me to truly receive the life giving benefits of a good drenching, I needed some aeration. I need to be poked, and broken up a bit. I need to be jostled just enough that the water wouldn’t just sit atop the bed it was poured onto. And I felt, at that moment, the finger tips of God, purposefully pressing in. Not to damage or destroy, but to free up and make prepared more deeply, the soil that is necessary for me to continue to grow and flourish…perhaps not always “blooming” but when the seasons are right, most certainly, I will. I have to endure the piercing if my full potential is to be reached. I don't exist only for the benefit of "self" but to be set apart and to add beauty to the lives of others as well.

I poked a few more holes in the soil of this particular plant, and assumed it was appreciated. I was careful of the roots and the mixed plants within the soil, as not to break or damage their life source, but was sure to work my way around the soil in such a way that as it is watered each day, it would now be capable of taking in all that was poured into it. After all, I, the temporary gardener, simply want the plants to live, and flourish, bloom in season and become what they were intended to become.

I sat and stared at this silly pot of flowers, in awe of the fact that they had just taught me a lesson. Okay, I know the Lord did, but the pot and its contents were a tangible, visible portrayal and representation of you and I in the sense that we can only be what we were meant to be, and as we await the gardener’s life giving “soaker hose” to fall over us and quench a daily thirst, we must also be prepared to have the ground that surrounds us, broken up from time to time in order that we might more effectively gain from being drenched so mercifully by the master gardener.

Piercing connotes a painful experience that most do not voluntarily ascribe to. It also expresses a needful, if not necessary exercise in which we are better after having experienced the pain of the act, than the pain we endured up to the point that the piercing act occurred. 


I pondered another truth in the moments after coming to my newfound conclusion that piercing can be a good thing, and that was that those plants could not water themselves. If it were not for me or some pre-arranged watering system having been put in place, they would surely die. The were deeply rooted, and without means to adequately care, long term, for themselves. Sure, they may have some water reserves in their roots that might give them a day or two of life, but ultimately, they needed someone to come along with the life giving water necessary, willing to pour it over them, and then do the same thing again tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that.

I believe that I have been pierced adequately for today's soaking...have you?

Flight of the Tender Footed

Carefree, resilient, unscathed by dimension
Leaping, boundless, unknown intention


Dreaming, determined, drawn in by laughter
Dancing, rhythm, joy ever after


Open, relentless, purposed by harmony
Swirling, swaying, embracing destiny


Tender, compassionate, tried by fire
Barefoot, flitting, moving desire




Lisa M.  Bennett 8-2010

Sky

There is a sky that is not “our” sky, which covers me tonight
Where once stars hung in ideal align, glowing softest light

Now boasts a blanket of midnight blue, and sparks that never die

Tis here upon a grassy knoll, where I gaze up as I lie

Searching for familiar, rather found the skies gave birth

A brand new sky, my very own, Twas heaven’s view from earth  

There was a time, while embraced, I’d peer up in the dark

And see the sky that was our sky, its contrast ever stark

                                                                                                                                 

Pressed against me, breathing softly, longing-don’t let go

But only in the quietness of my heart’s secret hoping so

Twas there, that first I saw “our sky” in majestic splendor

And then I wished upon a star, for all that stars could render

Had then I knew what I should wish, I’d opted for my own

My perfect sky, with twinkling stars, countless, brightly shown


As quickly as a night sky fades, it seemed that so shall you
But I'll not fret, though breathless still, I've quite a splendid view


Never clearer, nor more serene this new night sky of mine

Take with you "ours", I have my own and truly, it's divine

Lisa Bennett (c) 8-2010

Life's Symphony

I'll not forget, no not ever, the faintest warmth of your breath on my neck or the trickle of chills down my spine as the entirety of my being came alive simultaneously to your drawing me in. Nor will I forget the sound, ever soft as it was, of you sighing as you pulled me close seemingly daring yourself, not to let go. Beautiful moments, never a one planned, forever etched into the safe keeping of my memory.

I'll not forget, no not ever, the unspoken moments of complete contentment between us when words were not necessary, and practically mutually forbidden in those most precious of moments when saying nothing at all said everything necessary. Nor will I forget how you looked into my eyes and I into yours and without a single word spoken, uncontrollable laughter spilt out from the core of our beings. Such moments were meant for us and us alone, we simply understood that. We’d laugh until we cried, grasping just enough breath to fuel the next burst of laughter until we were exhausted and sighed one last collective sigh.

I'll not forget, no not ever, the revelation of “you”…that moment when you “got” that “I get you” and that maybe for the first time ever, you recognized that being known so fully, though it petrified you, equally so, freed you to be exactly who you are, holding nothing back. Nor will I forget the the smile in your eyes as peace conquered fear and you began to embrace change. Time alone was the compelling factor, as fear was a burden you were so ready to surrender and peace relentlessly knocked at the door of your soul until you let it in.

I'll not forget, no not ever, the countless conversations of “deeper things” of life. When honoring your truth was as important to me as speaking my own, no matter what that truth was. Accepting our differences was practically an epic occasion that we both found exhilarating and beautiful for the simple fact that it appeared neither had an agenda to change the other and our only expectations of each other were for truth and genuineness. Nor will I forget the light in your eyes and the excitement in your voice as you slowly began to see yourself the way I, and others already do.

I'll not forget, no not ever, saying goodnight with both a sense of satisfaction for the time we had together, feeling confident that we wasted little of it, and a sense of sadness for the time we would now be apart even only to sleep. Nor will I forget the hope of each new day, the bidding of a “good morning” and the anticipation of what that day would unfold before me knowing that you were a part of it whether in person or in thought.

I'll not forget, no not ever, as certain coolness sank over us and new silence began to creep in, a most unmistakable blaring kind of silence, began to make itself known. Nor will I forget the unsettled disappointment of recognizing that I was all too familiar with this kind of quieted state, the kind that seemed to confound everything I had known with you to that point.

I'll not forget, no not ever, wrestling with each revelation and turning tide as the dynamics of who we were individually changed for the better, as we became truer to ourselves yet collectively, indifference began to replace a sense of wonderment and joint contentedness. Nor will I forget questioning my heart’s ability to hold on and fight for something so rarely experienced by anyone, let alone us, or if letting go to “holding on” was going to once again, be required of me.

I'll not forget, no not ever, the many days and nights, seeking for my Lord to speak, to reveal to me what it was that He required of me in this, though once practically attainable, now seemingly implausible state of being. Nor will I forget the moment that He met me here, and reminded me that holding on, or letting go, mattered little in the grander scheme. It wasn’t so much about the warmth of your breath, the strength of your touch, the uncontainable laughter or conversations we shared as much as it was about the one who gave us those moments to learn, to grow, to experience such things and take them with us on this journey we call life.

I'll not forget, no not ever, the very moment I understood this truth. As though I’d walked into a dark room, stumbling and searching along the wall for the light switch, when at once the Lord steps into the room and for the mere fact that He is light I am now relieved, not only of the uncertainty of darkness, but that I see clearly now what was before me. Nor will I forget the great sense of peace I had as I faced a new truth with acceptance. Though our paths had crossed and were meant to do just that, they would do so for but a moment and then the time had come for them to cross again, only now, in differing directions, toward new experiences and opportunities.

I'll not forget, no not ever, the moment we met, and my life forever changed. Through many experiences in a relatively short period of time, I learned some great lessons, I’d not have learned about myself any other way. Nor will I forget this very moment, as it plays out in my heart and mind a grand symphony marked by words being put to paper and I am boldly transformed as the harmony of “letting go” fades in the distance and the melody of new beginnings and great anticipation for all I have yet to experience in life overshadows any sorrow or uncertainty of the past.

Moments With a Coward.

I have but a moment, only this one instant, marked by the tick of the clock...

With what shall I fill it, or how shall I spend it or with whom shall I invest it?

That is the thought that woke me in the middle of the night, and after writing it down and falling back to sleep...was the first thing I thought the instant I awoke this morning. Quite honestly...it overwhelms me.

I spent most of the weekend with a friend that I have come to appreciate for all sorts of reasons from spontaneous laughter, roller coaster cohort, *bumble bee lovah, top-down road trips with the music blaring to something so surreal as contentment in complete silence. Were I to single out probably the most significant aspect of our friendship it would probably have to be the mere fact that I am allowed to think deeper, say things that might not always make sense, (without a LOT of explaining) process all kinds of inner quandaries audibly and in return, I am usually challenged by being asked a very simple yet profound question as a follow up to my expounded thought...WHY? *I doubt my friend realizes how great this question has always been for me.

I know it probably sounds like a really silly and simple question...yet, I am always compelled to answer, having first to think even deeper and equally important, I am given the privilege of exploring my own heart and mind a little further by a patient friend, who listens, and is usually right there with me in thought and wonder.

Recently, my friend found a video, a REMARKABLE video that you can see here: http://www.juststopandthink.com/movieextras.php After watching this...SEVERAL times, I did what any wise woman would do, I "Googled" Francis Chan. I found out more and more about him and have begun to really enjoy a refreshing and passionate view of a man who is CRAZY in LOVE with Jesus! This inspired me to buy his book Crazy Love and I have to say...my eyes are WIDE open and my heart has been eternally altered. Call it pierce, stirred, what ever!  All I know is that I have no excuse for living a life that is anything less than sold out for Christ, for believing Him for ALL that I need, for every remaining moment of my existence, and a growing sense of urgency and deeply stirred passion to act on THIS MOMENT...not soley for "my sake", rather for the sake of the work of the Cross. For His sake. For YOUR sake! 

I am not writing this as any sort of "promotional feed" for Pastor Chan...He has the Lord for that, and I'd say it has gone well for him thus far. (Talk about the ultimate marketing rep!) The information I've shared is simply to give you an understanding of how something as simple as a shared video clip can truly inspire someone...someone who wants MORE. Who desires a deeper more authentic relationship with the Lord, with others, and even with herself. 

Sometimes, we get caught up in believing that in order to make a difference, we have to be profound to be inspirational, or wealthy to meet a need, or wise to teach our peers. I say, you can do something as simple as share a video you ran across or be willing to share the one commodity that really isn't a commodity at all. TIME. You could be a listener, a question asker, a wonderer, a friend...and make a life altering change in the life of someone..."Just like that". (Snapping fingers).  It is about being courageous in a world of cowardly moments lived out by cowardly people who simply fail to ask something as simple as "why". It might even be more about embracing the thought...be a human "DOING" and not just a human "being". I'm the coward...but I am learning!

My thoughts are POURING out onto this virtual paper and there are no signs of slowing! I fear another novel could take root where a simple blog post was meant to appear, so I will break this down into several posts so it is more manageable. The only way to eat an elephant? ONE BITE AT A TIME! 

I can’t wait to share more about what the Lord is teaching me! For today, as I was reminded by another dear friend…simply be near to God. Being in the center of His will is simply about being available, aware, and open to His leading…and, as I am learning, revelation and revolution come from a place so sweet as this!

Regret

Can I start again? Can I go back to the days when I said yes and I should have said no? Or, even the days when I said no and should have said yes? Can I start again, when the day is fresh and new and moments aren’t yet wasted or put to poorest use? Can I start again and love those I needed to - out loud and without restraint? Can I start again and choose to stay home, to invest my time in the ones who deserve it most? Can I go back to the times when I could stay in bed, entangled and breathing softly, and stay rather than leave the beauty of those moments for something meaningless and unmemorable? Can I start again? Can I say to the ones who need most to hear,that I am sorry, I am truly sorry, and make right what was wrong? Can I start again? Can I go back and teach the teachable what I have learned, mostly by trial and error that the moments are fleeting and one must not take for granted a single one? Can I start again? Can I rewrite this moment to read different than nothing more than regret?

Though I cannot go back…I can start again. I have NOW. I have THIS moment. I have a life lived out and wisdom gained from it. I have experienced joy and heartache that teach lessons that books cannot. I can breathe deeply and love even deeper than I breathe. I can speak softly yet powerfully with confidence and still speak truth kindly. I can seize the moment, living it to its fullest. I can hope endlessly, accept graciously, encourage lovingly and even make right choices that wouldn’t require an apology afterward. A life of change is not for the day dreamer,or procrastinator. It is not for the weak minded or faint of heart. It is for the one who recognizes and then chooses the moment. The question is no longer, Can I start again…the question is, “WILL I”?

My prayer for today

I haven't a clue about today, except that it is raining, and time to get up. After that, Lord...I simply trust you every step of the way. (Or at least that is my intention from my horizontal position amongst the fluffins and cozy burrow I have dug for myself in the middle of my king size bed.)

I imagine many things could occur today, and most likely NONE of them will. I am hardly wise, but history has shown me that I rarely know the plans you have for me half as well as YOU do. Now, to simply wait and trust, knowing that I am in the hands of the lover of my soul.

Cause me to be a voice of hope to someone who might not otherwise have hope today. Challenge me to a deeper faith by allowing for moments where I must simply choose to believe, or not. Radically alter my mind and heart to see the world through eyes meant to see as you do. Give me strength for today, as that is all I need.

For the wicked in me, (there is no "IF there be", I already know)...reveal it, and extract it. Painful as it may be, like the yanking of a badly infected tooth, pain can be effective for the final outcome. And, since I am asking for so much from you today, could you give me courage to endure the pain until I can rejoice in the aftermath of it all? (You know, the part where the wicked is extracted and in its place is goodness, kindness and love?)

Stir my spirit, open my heart, give me compassion and grace for others today. Let my words NOT be silent for you Lord and tonight, should I live that long, meet me here again so we can discuss the day, and you can be my comfort as I drift off again in my fluffins and the cozy burrow I will again dig for myself.

~Amen

I Can't Stop...

Thinking
Feeling
Dreaming
Believing
Wondering
Trusting
Knowing
Hearing
Sharing
Receiving
Growing
Changing
Watching
Giving
Waiting
Laughing
Crying
Breathing
Hoping
Touching
Encouraging
Loving

...or I’ll just die~

If the Answer is No...

I think before I feel, I feel before I see
Is dreaming thinking? If the answer is no, I dream before I think

I believe before I doubt, I doubt before I know
Is dreaming believing? If the answer is no, I dream before I believe

I laugh before I cry, I believe before I am certain,
Is dreaming laughter? If the answer is no, I dream before I laugh

I commit before I fear, I fear before I am brave
Is dreaming committing? If the answer is no, I dream before commit

I breathe before I leap, I leap before I look
Is dreaming breathing? If the answer is no, I dream before I breathe

I hope before I love, I love before I am alone
Is dreaming hoping? If the answer is no, I dream before I hope




(c) Lisa Bennett 4/2010

A Pocket Full of Seeds...

A pocket full of seeds, how surely they will be, flourishing planted trees, once I go to plant them…

That was the random thought I had today. I thought it might be the beginning of a poem, but it wasn't. It was a thought though and I knew it was going to go somewhere…most likely my blog. (my nearly completely abandoned, meager trifling of an attempt at a blog)…but here it is, so work with me huh? ;o)

I was instantly taken back in my mind to the day my son, who was in first grade at the time, brought home a Styrofoam cup with moist dirt packed ever so carefully to a halfway mark that I could see was placed on the cup for him. The outside decorated with drawings he'd done himself. A race car and some skid marks…very good ones at that!

He was so excited to show me “his dirt”. Well, it wasn’t dirt to him, it was “grass”…but I didn’t see grass, not even a hint of it. Only dirt, okay, “moist dirt”-but that is all I saw.

Carefully he placed it in the window sill as instructed by his teacher. Each morning he would water his dirt, and each afternoon he would come home excited to check on "his grass". He was confident and  patient…these things take a little time, he would say. I was educated on germination, as he assured me that soon we would see something, even though, right now…its “hard to tell”. He knew that even though we couldn’t see what was happening under the soil, those little grass seeds were doing what grass seeds do, and eventually, they would “break soil”, and show themselves true to what they were intended to be. He had a choice of what to plant, he picked the seeds himself.

He could have planted flowers, or veggies, even weeds. He chose grass. He held the seeds in his tiny hands as he filled his cup, poked the hole where the seeds would rest until they were ready to “be seen”. He watered, and waited, and waited, and watered…I remember how excited he was when the seeds began to sprout! A little squeal of surprise, pride, and perhaps confidence proven?

To the casual on looker (very casual seeing that we are talking about watching grass grow here), this might seem rather mundane and trivial…but it was a lesson that, twenty years later as I was sitting in traffic with nothing else to do but let my mind wander, struck home with me!

How true is it that our Heavenly Father takes each one of us…pokes a hole in the “dirt” we sometimes call our lives, packs us in tight in a container made specific to creating the best circumstances for us to grow and then waters, and waits, and waits, and waters…ALWAYS knowing exactly what we are going to be? *even if it just looks like nothing more than dirt to us! Sure, some of us were early crops, like grass that grows quickly and becomes a soft place for others to rest upon. Some of us are sturdy oaks that take many, many years to grow, but have a reputation of strength and reliance. Some are delicate, beautiful flowers, so fragile, but so soothing to the senses. Others still are fruit bearers, yielding of themselves simply because they were created for the purpose of providing life giving sustenance to others. And what about those like the Willow tree? *my personal favorite, reputed to be strong enough to bend, a provider of shade in the heat of the day, with a whimsical sense of rhythm that dances with the wind.

It’s all rather beautiful really, and I wonder as I have this sense in my own life (again) of finally “breaking ground” and recognizing a sense of knowing that though I may not yet be certain, I know that He who planted me has always known exactly who I will be, when I will reach “full bloom” what my purpose is, how my life will be used and whether I will be shade to the weary, a soft place to rest, a symbol of strength…or, if I would be one to provide sustenance for life to others, possess a fragrant beauty that represents the skillful artistry of Him who made me, only to shout in silent whispers that would cause anyone to know, surely there IS a God to create something so intricate and unique out of “seemingly nothing more than a seed”.

Isn’t He just so amazing? I imagine when we finally go to "sprout" the Lord might let out that same little squeal, excited for us to be what we are meant to be, knowing full well what we are capable of, even when we are only sure that we are "budding"...and there's nothing more than growth ahead of us!

A pocket full of seeds, how surely they will be, flourishing planted trees, once I go to plant them…

No experience required...

It must be that time of the year...you know, that time of year that as the air begins to chill, and the smell of the leaves as they turn color, fall to the ground and are raked into piles reminds us that fall is "falling" and we just come to expect "certain" things from the season.

It is the time of year when snuggling on the couch with that special someone does not require the a/c turned down to the 60's just so you don't "stick" together as you "stick together" and hot cocoa and homemade soup just start to make their way to the top of the list of "must haves". Pumpkin Spice Lattes make their way back into Starbucks, (what a clever marketing gimmick), and grocery stores and "super stores" dedicate miles of isles to CANDY! (did you just hear that? my heart just skipped a beat! I DO LOVE ME SOME CANDY!)

To me, "that" time of year also causes me to bunker down a little, spend more time reading, writing, reflecting, and pondering the year in passing. Perhaps this is why I just picked up on my blog where I left off in JANUARY!?! I really can't believe how long it has been since I felt like writing something here. I guess it doesn't really matter much, but for someone who loves to write, it is a bit perplexing.

I am just back from a conference for work. I am (as was intended), a little more motivated, enlightened, and excited again about what I do, who I do it for, and why I do it. I think that is a good thing!

I work for a company that has done plenty of good for not only our wonderful Country, but for many others as well. They are a very strong company in the midst of all the turmoil surrounding the "times we live in" and treat me very well as I represent them to the best of my ability. It is safe to say I am proud to be a part of something so phenomenal and can only hope to rise to the occasion of being equal to it. (though obviously only to the degree that I am able as a single individual).

I have to say, as I was reminded of the history of our company, what it stood for, how it invested in the lives of SO many, by way of investing in other company's ideas and providing opportunities for families to have insurance whether home, life, medical, legal, or offer studies on the aging population (We have an ENTIRE institute dedicated to studying aging, and how it affect, and effects society not only today, but in the future) I learned we funded little projects like "The Empire State Building", we employ THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of people world wide, providing well paying jobs, medical benefits, excellent training, camaraderie, and the ability to continue to grow within the company. I began to recognize a sense of pride, of "belonging", and desire to WANT to do well for this company all over again.

Now, don't think I didn't realize, yes...that is probably what they were hoping for, I am smart enough to "get that"...the thing is, I STILL wanted to do 'em proud! As I asked myself "WHY"...one of my favorite questions EVER and I recognized that I had come to learn the character of the company a little better and realized that it aligned with the core of who I am, and wanted to be a bigger part of it. Simple as that.

So, here I am, a Snoopy touting, card carrying member of something bigger than me, that hopes to continue to be stable, provide services and a future for as many as will allow me and have some fun in the midst of it all.

Of course, you know I can't go "there" without also going..."here"...

I also reflect often on that same thought process when in comes to my relationship with Jesus Christ. (I am NOT comparing the company I work for with Jesus, as NONE can compare)...but the "idea" of understanding character and having it align with the core of who I am, and what I want to be, or simply desire whether I will ever "attain" is quite similar. *Save for the fact one is eternal, the other very temporal at best.

I am always encouraged and stirred when I attend Bible Study, or Church with believing friends or spend time in prayer or reading His word on my own. (it is kind of like this conference I just returned from every time). A little more about Him is revealed, and I am excited to be a part of it. The more I know about Him and what he has done for this world, the more sure I am that I am right where I am supposed to be. All the nuances that make Jesus, well...Jesus, resonate with me as I learn them. I am in a constant state awe, renewed confidence, and a sense of loyalty comes over me making me want to make my Jesus proud.

Ya know, I was thinking about how I have dear friends who are struggling right now. Many are out of work, looking for something to "make the difference", knowing ANYTHING would help. They just have this desperate sense about them, and of course I just want to "fix it". I just want them ALL to come work for the company I work for because I know the character and integrity of the company. I know what they stand for, I see their vision for the future, and it is a place I LOVE to work for. Of course, I have a greater passion for them to see my Jesus the way I do. To see His ability to save, to supply need, to ease fears, to create family, to heal the broken hearted, to sustain and to offer ETERNITY to. I see His vision for our future, I can't help but be excited and want to share this discovery with my friends too!

So, just as I would share my greatest find, whether a two-for-one coupon for a great restaurant, a clearance sale at DSW, my own surgeon should you need her, (hope not) or the company I work for, I would also like to share my eternal hope, my joy, my peace, my salvation and my rock.

The good news???? ...no interview process, no drug testing, back ground testing, credit checks, no 30, 60, or 90 day "trial periods", no typing or personality tests, and no competing with a more well qualified candidate, as this is an unlimited number of openings, NO EXPERIENCE REQUIRED gig...come as you are!

8 months!

Good grief, has it been that long?

Yowza...I haven't written or posted to my blog in EIGHT months!


Not sure why really, I THINK all the time! I have ideas, ponder thoughts, even share some of them without writing them down, rather often. So, here I am, 4.5 hours away from two different alarm clocks going off so that I won't miss my flight to S0-Cal...and NOW I write!


I am exhausted, my mind is fried, life has been a whirlwind...things I feared and fretted have come and gone, some of the hopes I had came to fruition, some I am still hoping for. Concerns grew to crisis, or simply to silly stacks of embarrassments as I questioned myself internally...did I really have SO little faith!? Deadlines came and went, some prayers were answered, some were not.*yet? I reached a few goals, I failed more often than I care to admit. (oops, too late).


I left a little baggage behind, learned a few new songs, I sang them out loud. I dropped some weight, had back surgery and shortly thereafter wondered why I waited so long. I suffered severed relationships, and severed suffering relationships. I cried deeply and equally over both, yet still trust the Lord for healing there. I became an auntie(to triplets), learned I was going to be a GRAMMY, *yaye ME! I re-discovered that healing can happen when you least expect it, and that sometimes NOT expecting someone to meet your expectations can surprise you, even cause you to reconsider what it is that defined your original expectations to begin with.


...I moved, it was a big move, but only across the way...making it a big SHORT move. I stared at that statement and am fairly confident that it was not oxy-moronic in nature. I will stop staring now as not to change my mind and have to re-write this sentence. I unwrapped some new friends, and deepened older friendships, cut some ties, and tied up some loose ends. I am still facing giants, but don't feel as alone, at least not today. I still fear giants. I still trust God with my fears. I am working an awful lot, thankful for every opportunity. Frustrated that I am not seeing the results that cause me to feel like I have succeeded, absolutely confident that I am doing exactly what I should be. (Just wondering if i should be doing it more)?


I've eaten ice cream for dinner, at least once or twice, skipped breakfast, drove over the speed limit, (without getting caught), and listened to dear people tell their stories. I have felt alone, I have felt lonely...rarely at the same time. I have been underwhelmed, over stimulated, even sassy from time to time. Not really sure why that matters in the scheme of things, but it is what comes to mind, so it is now part of the post.


I consider the wonder of my children, their lives, the lives of those they love, their hopes, their choices, and their fortitude to persevere, and I am inspired. I made room in my life to love again, and am recognizing that it will probably happen when I am equally convinced that I am as loveABLE as I am lovING. I bought a season pass to Six Flags, and rode as many roller coasters in one day as I possibly could. I plan to do it again. I camped, and chilled with friends, and camped again and made new friends. I ate copious amounts of ice cream for less than two bucks and did it each day while I was camping!


I rode a Segway, for the first time. I attended a PRO baseball game for the first time.*Got the hat-Go Giants! I saw the Thunderbirds scream through the air with precision and grace, for the first time. *no hat but I do have my very own "dog tags" now. I went to the Crocker Museum for the first time. I bought a new car that I actually paid cash for, for the first time. I bought a convertible, for the first time! *Same car, different point ;) I met a friend I have had for nearly four years, for the first time. I saw Jason Mraz, Boss Skaggs, Diana Krall, and Michael McDonald, for the first time.

There is a lot of life lived, passed by, forgotten and remembered. There is so much more that I could have said, but my eyes are rolling back in my head and now I am 3.5 hours away from the alarm clocks going off.

A lot can happen...or NOT happen in 8 months, some "blog worthy" some, not-so-much! This certainly cannot make up for 8 months worth of bloglessness *Yes, that is NOW "officially" another "Lisa Bee"-ism, but it touches on the high and low "lights" of them.

I hope this is my "uncorking"...and that there is more in my heart to say, to reveal, to question and explore. I hope that somehow, out of all that "stuff" up there, I might find a story to share, something more than a capsule size glimpse, smooshed between commas, or parenthesis to write about, to put color to, to put music to, and to put life to.


Listen, it's late, there is no ethereal or double sided meaning to the ending to this post. I have no clever agenda, nothing witty with which to close out this diatribe of gibberish. In fact, the best I can come up with at this ridiculous hour of the night is that I should have ended it PARAGRAPHS ago, cashing in on the extra 30 minutes of sleep! There is no wrap up, no "moral to this story", no slow fade to a suspenseful dangler or an ending that causes you to think deeper, or smile softly or giggle inwardly for all the feel good mushy stuff...this one just ends.

Painted Moments

There is an awkward silence that seems to encompass her life.

If it had a color, it would be Green. Like the deepest ocean, waves crashing, Green.

There is an indescribable emptiness that sneaks up on her every now and then.

If it had a color, it would be Black. Just before dawn, darkest of dark, Black.

There is a sense of panic, a strange presence that beckons her in the middle of the night.

If it had a color, it would be Yellow. Vibrant, blaring, cautionary, Yellow.

There is a veil of uncertainty that defies her ability to trust.

If it had a color, it would be Grey. Charcoal, dark, steel-cold, Grey.

There is a chill in the air that will not allow her to find warmth.

If it had a color, it would be White. Crisp,wind blown, fallen snow, White.

There is a storm of confusion, pulling her this way and that.

If it had a color, it would be Orange. Fiery, frantically spinning, Orange.

There is angst deep within her heart. Unexplainable, and equally undeniable.

If it had a color it would be Blue. Not like the sky, nor the deepest see, more like the color of her eyes, Blue.

There is an inkling of hope that battles her heart for her very own soul.

If it had a color, it would be Crimson. Blood shed by a loving Savior, that she might finally rest , Crimson.

(c)Lisa M. Bennett 1/26/2009

The Ride of My Life

There is a certain kinda of CRAZY that compels someone to look for the steepest, loopiest, twistiest, fastest and any other "est" I may have forgotten, when it comes to roller coasters. Just my opinion...not a proven fact...no rotten eggs, please! Truth be told, I ascribe to the theory that "it takes one to know one".

Yep, I am she. Lover of all things twisty, turny, loopy, spinny, dippy and droppy...throw in a measure of extreme speed and I'm as happy as a pig in snot. (ewe)


I just love roller coasters. For anyone who knows me, it might come as a surprise because, though I am relatively social, I prefer a small get together, a few close friends, quiet evenings at home, and reading and writing over rock concerts and big parties. I am pretty calm when it comes to my general nature, and live a life that is pretty peaceful.

That is, until I am at a theme park. *OK, admittedly there was a time (or two) at a hockey game (or two) when I might have exhibited possible signs of my inner "wild me" having surfaced after she slipped the outer "calm me" a "Mickey" when I wasn't looking...but there really is no way to prove it. N0 pictures, no one who could testify that it was, in fact"me". So, we will leave that possibility to the realm of "myths and urban legends".

So, back to roller coasters. Yeah...there is this insane drive deep within me that just LOVES the excitement derived from a good 4 alarm roller coaster. You know, the ones that warn you half a mile before you get to the gate of the ride that those with heart conditions should not ride this ride, followed, every eighth of a mile as you wind your way through the lines turn by turn, by yet another warning for those under 5 feet, those who are pregnant, those who are over 200 lbs, and those who "cherish life"...BINGO...that's my ride!


There is something about a good roller coaster...day dreaming here... especially the ones you find that start in broad daylight and go pitch dark! You know, a dip, a sharp turn, then POOF~you are in a cave entering a darker darkness than any you could have imagined! Music blaring, never knowing when the next turn is coming, or if you are about to drop, invert or loop. Only the eery sound...click...click...click as you climb, followed by silence. Then...*dramatic pause... a release with a whirring buzz that clearly screams FREE FALL!!!

In these types of coasters (light to dark) you go from a sense of know exactly what is coming with a bit of a head start on mentally preparing for it, to a very handicapped lesser vantage point where simply being strapped in (thank God) with belts, bars, straps and pads is all you really know for sure. (But still, you check, double check and pray as your train leaves the station).

Ahhh...yeahhh baybeee!!! What a thrill!

I wonder what it is, really, that makes that experience "fun" for me. I wonder what the draw is because just typing this out has me wondering why on EARTH would I EVER want to do such a thing!?! (REPEATEDLY) ... REALLY!!!???

There is something to be said for driving up to an amusement park, and as I get closer and closer the monstrous mass of twisted, turned, high climbing, steep dropping steel just makes my heart race. Closer still and I see more clearly the magnitude of this mass, the complexity, the ingenuity, the cute little cart that looks like a space shuttle (with only padded bars and a seat belt) that will carry me along the journey...I am thrilled!

Reality check...

So-why is that I can look at this craziness that I have just gone into great detail to explain, and STILL check the box that says, "yep, sign me up"???
...and yet, WHY, when it comes to "life", the twists, the turns, the light to dark (back to light) phases that make it "life" with it's unforeseen twists, dips, steep-zero-gravity-free-fall moments, amazing highs where the view is incredible, only to see the ground, in a blink of an eye, closing in on me at me at 90 miles an hour, I mean a life that looks HUGE, I mean GIGANTIC from where I sit, and the closer I get, the more I want to scream in terror and run from it?

I sounded pretty tough just a few paragraphs ago...yeah, me and my big talk, brave walk, high horse, saddle-me-up jibber jabber. Truth be told? I'm am a red blooded, wimped out scaredy chicken, and sometimes, I am just not brave enough to face life for what it appears to be from where I stand.

In my mind though, I resolve that I will place myself in the safety of the Lord. My strapped, padded, steel barred, extra strong-5 point restraint system that assures me that no matter the twists, the turns, the sudden drops, or steep climbs-no matter the loop-de-loops or sharp turns, I am safely "in" with my hat and sunglasses stowed for safe keeping. Perhaps those loop-de-loops of life are the very tool the Lord uses to shake free some excess cargo we had been carrying around needlessly, just like the roller coaster did with my favorite Ray Bans about 15 years ago? (Grrrr)

Perhaps, those times in the darkest darkness when we don't know where to turn, or if we are about to go into free fall, it is best to trust and remember that we are on a track, pre-designed and created perfectly to lead us home. Though the ride gets a little temultuous the minute we leave the gate, it can also be exhilarating, full of surprises, adventurous, and unexpected twists and turns...all for the thrill of it.

There are times in my life that I am glad to be on the ride. That it is exactly the thrill and excitement I had hoped it would be. But, in all fairness, there are times when I am strapped in, holding on and wondering...as I remember having already been on "this" one, OK, when does this end? Can I get off now? Uh...if I fake puke, will the operator stop this thing so I can go find another life to ride? (The answer to that is no)...this is my ride, my life, I'm strapped in tight and I know that the ride ain't over till the operator says its over.

Though we may not suspect when that dip is coming, the highs are a sight to behold and usually those times are the times we never forget. I'm just saying that perhaps, just like a roller coaster, some built for speed to carry us quickly through the scariest times, others built for enjoyment that trod a little slower to take in a view of the ducks in the pond over yonder, life is presented to us much the same way. And, yeah, some folks are in the kiddie coaster and some (whether they choose it or not) are on the Mega Monster, strap in and hold on coaster.

Funny how life can have much of the same characteristics of the very thing I long for, yet, be exactly what I fear the most. Nevertheless, I'm in line, and I believe I am in for the ride of my life.

A better writer would probably take a lot more time to think about, lay out, and find some fancy schmancy ending that tidied up the whole thing all nice and neat. (Whelp... bully for them! ...not so much for me).

I think that is the end of this post...(I hear that collective sigh of relief!)

...

Uhhmmm...yep-that was the end. You can go now ;0)